Recently uncovered intelligence reveals that John Kerry is the product of an alien foray into genetic engineering and electioneering at the highest levels.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, highly placed sources in America’s intelligence community have confirmed to me that there is a Schnorkian battle cruiser lurking near Pluto.  These sources state that according to their best analysts, this cruiser has been stationed in our solar system for at least several decades, and that the Schnorkians — for reasons nobody can fathom — have taken a strong interest in American politics.  The Schnorkian homeworld is located in the Delta quadrant of Galaxy B-12.  The upshot is this:  John Kerry is the product of an alien foray into genetic engineering and electioneering at the highest levels. 

The analysts were first tipped to this by examining Kerry’s eyes.  Their study quickly concluded that they are not human.  While the Schnorkians definitely have impressive talents in the field of manufacturing fake people, ultimately the creation of a humanoid is as much a matter of art as science.  Terrestrial galleries are full of works by talented artists who unfortunately failed in their efforts to capture the unique essence of humanity: our thoughts as revealed by our facial expressions and especially the eyes.  As millions of Americans have come to realize, there is something distinctly odd about the Kerry peepers.  The analysts suspect that in their research on our planet, the Schnorkians somehow allowed their data to become corrupted.  Information from studies of goat and fish apparently drifted into the database on humans, and the result is the peculiar Kerry gaze. 

CIA anatomists have remarked upon the deadness of Kerry’s entire face.  While they acknowledge that some serial killers and other psychopaths have displayed similarly dead eyes, they assert that the Kerry eyes confirm his non-human origins.

Why have the Schnorkians taken this interest in humans?  This question remains unanswered, although the sources assert that, having for years devoted 98% of America’s intelligence resources to the problem, they have made strong progress and have learned a lot.  (This diversion of resources also explains why the CIA and other agencies have failed to produce good information on the North Korean nuclear weapons program, the Indian nuclear weapons program, the Pakistani nuclear weapons program, the Iranian nuclear weapons program, the Iraqi nuclear weapons program, and the Libyan nuclear weapons program, among many other gaffes.)  Attempts to comprehend the reasons behind this alien intrusion have led to an extensive analysis of the Schnorkian’s culture as revealed through communications intercepts, and this has yielded much valuable data.  Among other things, they have an undying faith in the notion that the Cubs will win the World Series during this millennium; they believe that bebop jazz is really great music; and they think that Dan Rather tells it like it is.

The Schnorkians have a complicated reference scheme to keep track of their artificial humans, of which there are believed to be hundreds.  The Kerry entity is part of the type referred to as “Drones,” and the sub-type is “Pompous.”  In Schnorkian databases the Kerry can also be referenced using such key words as “dull,” “vacuous,” “humorless,” and “condescending,” among many others.  It also has an alphanumeric designation, 159/B.  (159/A is thought to have gone out of control.  It apparently fell under the spell of Michael Jackson and then engaged in a horrifying binge of self-mutilation and kept touching itself in public.)  The Kerry’s inability to formulate a clear and consistent position on Iraq is apparently due to a severe programing glitch that destabilized its decision-making, judgment, and memory pathways.  This could also plausibly explain its affection for Teresa.  On the physical level, the Kerry model has trouble coordinating its physical movements, which results in strange and sudden hand gestures during speeches.  These gestures are apparently intended to create the illusion of passion, but they have clearly failed.  The face is frozen into blankness, and the voice is whiny and off-putting.                                  

My highly-placed sources are unanimous in their belief that numerous other politicians are Schnorkian creatures.  They list Dick Gephardt, Albert Gore, Phil Gramm, George McGovern, Jimmy Carter, Walter Mondale, Gary Bauer, Alan Keyes, Newt Gingrich and Michael Dukakis as being among those identified so far.  For reasons that have yet to be explained, it is easier to infiltrate the Democratic Party at the highest levels than the GOP, although Spiro Agnew came very close.  They also believe that Donald Trump is a Schnorkian creation. 

What is the Schnorkians’ motive for becoming so involved in American politics?  That question has yet to be answered.  Analysts suspect they have a fascination with the American political process, although they appear to misread it constantly.  There may exist an insurmountable cultural barrier to proper understanding.  It seems that the Schnorkians think that “going negative” is enough to defeat an incumbent president, and as a result they have failed to program the Kerry with any kind of positive message.  The Schnorkians may have thought that sending the Kerry to St. Paul, Yale, and Harvard Law would make up for its low level of intelligence and total lack of imagination. 

The greatest failing of the Schnorkians is their inability to manufacture a creature able to cope with candidates — especially incumbent presidents –  who drive their opponents crazy.  This failing has manifested itself repeatedly, starting in 1972 and continuing in 1980, 1984, 1992, 1996, and again this year.  Having reduced their opponents to blubbering insanity, those candidates were able to win easily.  The Schnorkians may eventually understand that making your opponents see you as evil incarnate is the most devious secret weapon in the political arsenal.  This was also the case in 1998, when despite their opponents’ most ridiculous scandal the GOP actually lost House seats, largely due to their idiotic decision to elevate Gingrich to great prominence.  The CIA believes that the Newt’s chief designer was executed for gross incompetence, and that the same fate could befall the designer responsible for the Kerry.