Before we release them, Joe Biden should inquire whether Amnesty, Newsweek, and the New York Times have enough job openings for all the Guantanamo detainees.
Since Amnesty International Secretary General Irene Khan infamously described Guantanamo Bay as the “gulag of our times” the Left has fallen all over itself in calling for Guantanamo’s closure. Never mind that millions were killed in the Soviet gulags while Guantanamo Bay holds fewer than 600 detainees. But again, as so often happens with today’s Left, why let the facts get in the way of a good sound bite.
Over the past week, former President Jimmy Carter, Democratic Senator Joe Biden, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi and the New York Times have called for Guantanamo Bay to be closed.
So what happens to the detainees at Guantanamo? The aforementioned individuals and organizations are less clear. Senator Biden indicated on ABC’s This Week with George Stephanopoulos that we keep the detainees we need to keep but is vague about where the remainder should end up.
Despite the fact that President Bush dismissed Amnesty International’s charges as “absurd,” he has hinted that Guantanamo’s days may be numbered. In an interview with Neil Cavuto of the Fox News Channel, Bush remarked, “Well, you know, we’re exploring all alternatives as to how best to do the main objective, which is to protect America. I mean, what we don’t want to do is let somebody out that comes back and harms us, and so we’re looking at all alternatives, and have been.”
With all due respect to the President, this seems odd. If Guantanamo is to be closed on the basis that a former prisoner could harm us, one could also argue that every prison in the United States should be closed because their inmates might offend again once released back into society. Moreover, it legitimizes the Left’s misrepresentation of the treatment of detainees at Guantanamo Bay. This was an error on Bush’s part, not only for emboldening his political foes but confusing his closest political allies.
Prior to Bush’s interview, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld called Guantanamo the only “safe option” for detainees who were captured in Afghanistan. However, since Bush’s interview, Rumsfeld has indicated that the detainees ought to be tried in their country of origin. Of course, this assumes that the detainees’ countries of origins want them back in the first place.
At least Rumsfeld is providing alternatives. The same cannot be said of the Left. When Bill O’Reilly challenged Arianna Huffington as to what she would do with detainees she twice curtly replied, “It’s not my job to decide.”
Well, Arianna might not have any alternatives as to what we should do with the detainees at Guantanamo but I sure do. In fact, I have ten of them. So without further adieu here are the ten things we can do with detainees should the Bush Administration decide to close Guantanamo Bay:
1. Give them jobs as professors at our colleges and universities. Many of these institutions of higher learning are breeding grounds of anti-American and anti-Israeli sentiment. Why not appoint one of the detainees as Ward Churchill’s successor as Chairman of Ethnic Studies at the University of Colorado at Boulder? Or perhaps the late Edward Said-inspired Chair of Israel Studies at Columbia University? Better yet, why not name a detainee the new President of Harvard University? I am sure that many in the People’s Republic of Cambridge would sooner have a Guantanamo detainee as President than have to bear one more day with Lawrence Summers.
2. Send all Guantanamo detainees to Mexico. That way they can sneak over the border and become illegal immigrants. They would become eligible for all kinds of social services and could quickly obtain drivers’ licenses. Or perhaps pilot licenses.
3. But then why bring Mexico into it? Just swear all the detainees in as U.S. citizens who will be eligible for all kinds of social services and can quickly obtain drivers’ licenses. Or perhaps pilot licenses.
4. Give the detainees a show on Air America. They would have a vehicle where they could denounce America daily for three hours straight. It would fit right into Air America’s programming format. The ratings would probably improve.
5. Let’s not overlook volunteerism. They could volunteer their services for Habitat for Humanity. After a hard day’s work, they could sleep over at Jimmy Carter’s house.
6. Howard Dean needs a few fundraisers at the DNC. I’m sure Happy Howie would be tickled pink to give a couple of freshly released detainees a new start. If Dean thinks that Osama bin Laden is innocent until proven guilty, imagine how he would feel about a couple of flunkies at Gitmo. Besides, they would probably start to raise the Democrats more money.
7. But why limit oneself to the DNC? Why not go straight to Capitol Hill? Get a job with Senator Biden as a speechwriter. Who knows? Biden’s speeches might actually contain his own thoughts.
8. Then again, some of the detainees might have musical ambitions and need a place to express it. Maybe four lads from Kabul will form a band called The Fetals and write a song extolling suicide bombers called, “We Hate You (Ya Ya Ya).” They would shoot a video for MTV. Then they would blow themselves up in Time Square.
9. Of course, some detainees might have to start out more modestly. They could sell Korans door to door. For every Koran sold, the buyer would receive a free subscription to either The New York Times or Newsweek.
10. I know that I am overlooking the obvious. Since they are already on Cuban soil why not just send them Fidel’s way. Of course, after spending a week waiting in line for rice, beans and sugar and not being able to read from their Korans (as religious activity is strictly monitored in the socialist paradise) they would beg to return to Guantanamo where they could enjoy three square meals and unlimited access to the Koran.
This list of ten might sound absurd to you. Well, it is absurd. It is even more absurd to close down the Guantanamo Bay detention facility because a few bleeding hearts decide to call it a gulag based on a handful of incidents in which the Koran was mishandled. Of course, these same bleeding hearts have nothing to say when detainees mishandle the Koran or when al Qaeda terrorists blow up mosques in Iraq. If blowing up a mosque isn’t a mishandling of the Koran I am not sure what is.
It is even more absurd for the Bush Administration to even entertain the idea of closing Guantanamo. President Bush was right to dismiss Amnesty International’s charges as “absurd.” He should have left it at that.
There may come a time when Guantanamo Bay can be closed. However, that time is not now. If Guantanamo is to be closed, the Bush Administration (or it successors) should do it on their own terms and not on the terms set out by an ultra-left wing organization that masquerades itself in objectivity and sees things for what they are not.
Aaron Goldstein, a former member of the socialist New Democratic Party, writes poetry and has a chapbook titled Oysters and the Newborn Child: Melancholy and Dead Musicians. His poetry can be viewed on www.poetsforthewar.org.
Are u jewish? Because you seem to be very anti islamic. You need to invevstigate the facts on guantamo bay. Many innocent people are being held there without a fair trial. Only America would think that this is acceptable.