Aaron Goldstein unveils the list of prizes to be awarded in Hamshahri’s Holocaust cartoon contest.

Howard Dean is a funny guy. When I heard that the Democratic National Committee Chairman had likened the United States to Iran I said to myself, “Ahh yes, the stoning of adulterous women occurs in the streets of Topeka all the time. Yes, the United States is exactly like Iran. Topeka? Tehran? What’s the difference?”

The former governor of Vermont is so funny that you cannot help but wonder if the Republicans invented him. Shhhhh!!!! Be quiet they might be listening.

Yet the scream Dean is no match for those wacky Iranians. They are so side-spittingly funny you forget that those darn Israelis put them up to it.

In response to the Danish cartoon controversy, Iran’s top daily newspaper Hamshahri is holding a Holocaust cartoon contest. An editorial that appeared in the paper asks, “Does Western free speech allow working on issues like America and Israel’s crimes or an incident like the Holocaust or is this freedom of speech only good for insulting the holy values of divine religions?”

Somehow I don’t think that the editorial board of Hamshahri extends the term “divine religion” to include Judaism, Christianity, Buddhism or any religion other than Islam. How else does one explain Hamshahri’s willingness to mock the deliberate murder of 6 million Jews? Then again printing anti-Semitic cartoons is de rigueur for Iranian and other Arabic newspapers. Visit Palestinian Media Watch to see what I mean.

With this in mind, please go ahead and publish your Holocaust cartoons. I am sure that Jews will be running out in the streets beheading Iranians. I am sure Iranian embassies and consular offices the world over will be burned to the ground. I am sure protests organized by the Anti-Defamation League will feature signs that read, “Death to Iran!” Death to the Mullahs!”

The contest is being run by one Davood Kazemi. He is an award-winning cartoonist whose works include this submission to the 2004 Palestinians Are Homeless contest. Well, I guess you’ve got to have a professional to run these things. Kazemi told Reuters that he will publish twelve cartoons and that each of the winning submissions will receive two gold coins or about $280 (US).

Two gold coins?

Is that the best Kazemi and Hamshahri can do? Come on. Your President is on public record declaring the Holocaust “a myth.” Your President is on record as wanting Israel “wiped off the map.” Your President wants a world without Jews for crying out loud. If you really believe that the Holocaust is a myth and that the world should not only be without Israel but absolutely Judenrein, you’re going to have to do a lot better than two lousy gold coins.

In fairness, I suppose that two gold coins is a lot in a country where the average yearly income is about $1,800 (U.S.). But if you really want to eliminate Jews from the face of the earth you’ve got to sweeten the pot. Gosh, you jihadists are all talk and no action.

In the spirit of goodwill let me put forward some prize suggestions to entice potential entrants:

THIRD PRIZE — A year’s supply of Danish flags (lighter fluid not included). This will ensure that you will never lose that hating feeling.

SECOND PRIZE — An all expenses paid trip to Jerusalem where you and a friend can spend seven days and six nights in the King David Hotel and enjoy all the Zionist entity has to offer. There will be so much fun you’ll forget the place doesn’t exist. At the end of your stay you will be supplied with belts, nuts and bolts, explosives, a Koran, a vial containing the AIDS virus and a one-way ride to the Central Bus Station. You will be sure to have a blast.

GRAND PRIZE — What else? Seventy-two virgins. After you have had your way with them you and nineteen of your closest friends can take them to the public square and stone them to death for infidelity and bringing dishonor to their families.

Let’s remember this is not Alice in Wonderland. Not all can have prizes. However, the Honorable Mentions deserve something for their efforts. Unfortunately, because of the ban of decadent, Western music in Iran, the Cat Stevens Majikat: Earth Tour 1976 DVD will not be available. Sorry about that.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

– In lieu of a monetary prize you can donate one-third of your annual earnings to the terrorist organization of your choice, provided that it goes to Hezbollah;

– A collection of Ginsu knives. Jihadists, too, need state of the art tools that can cut through a throat and still slice a tomato paper thin;

– And, of course, a lousy T-shirt that reads, “I Received an Honorable Mention in the Holocaust Cartoon Contest and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt”.

Yes, the prizes I have just suggested are nothing more than a tasteless, sick joke. So is publishing cartoons mocking innocent people who were murdered and cannot defend themselves. Come to think of it, so are Iranian notions of freedom of speech.