Hillary Clinton has been casting about for a theme song for her campaign to return to the White House in 2008.
By now it’s not news that Hillary Clinton has been casting about for a theme song for her campaign to return to the White House in 2008. She’s asking her followers to vote for the winning tune from a menu of nine songs including the Temptations' Get Ready. That one’s got my vote if for no other reason than the lyric: “If you wanna play hide and seek with love, let me remind you, it's alright. But the lovin' you're gonna miss in the time it takes to find you, it's outta sight.”
But Mrs. Clinton and her aides don’t seem to vet these things too well. Who can forget her dramatic entrance into politics when, in 2000, she announced her Senate candidacy to the blaring strains of “Captain Jack;” Billy Joel’s ode on masturbation, pornography, suicide and drugs?
Dubious though I am that Hillary will ever secure her party’s nomination, I’d still like to make a contribution to the cause. Even though she may not make it, she should be big enough to help out future candidates by chronicling her meteoric rise from mere wife to Democratic royalty. So, with apologies to Sir Arthur Sullivan and especially to Sir William Schwenck Gilbert, I hereby submit the following:
When I was a lass I served a term
As junior partner at the Rose Law Firm.
I worked pro bono with a smile so bland,
That they let me handle files for the Castle Grande.
They let her handle files for the Castle Grande.
I handled all those files so carefully
That now I am the doyenne of the DNC.
She handled all those files so carefully
That now she is the doyenne of the DNC.As legal gal I made such a name
That Arkansas’ first lady I soon became.
I played the role and it worked so well
That everybody thought I was a southern belle.
Everybody thought she was a southern belle.
They bought into my acting so thoroughly
That now I am the doyenne of the DNC.
They bought into her acting so thoroughly
That now she is the doyenne of the DNC.At playing the chameleon I so excelled
That my husband’s hankerings I soon propelled.
I wooed the voters with my homespun tales
Till I rode into the White House on his wide coattails.
She rode into the White House on his wide coattails.
Those ever-loving coattails worked so well for me
That now I am the doyenne of the DNC.
Those ever-loving tails worked so well for she
That now she is the doyenne of the DNC.We grew so rich as President,
By selling off historic rooms for rent.
We raked in oodles of that do-re-mi
Through everyone from Buddhist monks to Charlie Trie.
Through everyone from Buddhist monks to Charlie Trie.
We cozied up so closely to the PRC
That now I am the doyenne of the DNC.
They cozied up so closely to the PRC
That now she is the doyenne of the DNC.When scandals brewed on Capital Hill
I talked them down and then I propped up Bill.
But then they zeroed in on perjury
So I conjured up the vast right-wing conspiracy.
She conjured up the vast right-wing conspiracy.
The press was so delighted, they rewarded me
By making me the doyenne of the DNC.
The press was so delighted, they rewarded she
By making her the doyenne of the DNC.Now feminists all, wherever you may be
If you want to hone your viability;
If you don’t mind linking to a ball and chain
Be careful to be guided this wise refrain:
Be careful to be guided this wise refrain:
Stick close to your man, and never let him be;
And you all may be doyennes of the DNC.
Stick close to your man, but never let him be;
And you all may be doyennes of the DNC.
mailbox@lisafab.com
http://www.lisafab.com
Read more articles by Lisa Fabrizio
Great stuff.
How about a theme song for the whole Clinton clan:
They're creepy and they're kooky,
Mysterious and spooky,
They're all together ooky,
The Clinton Family.
Their house was a museum
Where people paid to see 'em
They really are a scream
The Clinton Family.
(Neat)
(Sweet)
(Petite)
So get a witches shawl on
A broomstick you can crawl on
We're gonna pay a call on
The Clin-ton Fam-i-ly.
Let's not forget the ever popular, House of the Rising Arkansan
There is a house in Washington,
Where lived the rising Arkansan
And it's been the ruin
Of many poor girl,
And me, oh god, I'm one.
[refrain]
If I had listened
to what my mother said
I'd have been at home today.
But I was young and ambition, oh god.
So, I let Slick-Willie have his way.
[refrain]
Go tell my baby sister -
don't do what I have done.
Go shun that house in Washington,
that house of the rising Arkansan.
[refrain]
Well, I’m going back to Washington,
My race is almost run.
I'm going back to spend my life
outing that lousy son-of-a-gun.
[refrain]
Now here's a catchy tune Hillary is sure to like; sung to the tune of "Loves me Like a Rock" (lyrics in parenthesis sung by backup chorus):
When I was a little girl, (when she was just a girl)
And the devil would call my name (when she was a headstrong girl)
I'd say "now who do,
who do you think you're conning?" (when she was just a girl)
I'm a con-secreted girl (when she was just a girl)
I'll be a preacher in the Dee-eN-Cee
Oh, my party will love me … and fear me
They'll get down on their knees to worship me
Cause they'll love me for my Village
They'll rock me to the Villa Hillary
And fear me
They'll fear me, fear me, fear me, fear me
When I was grown to be a woman (grown to be a woman)
And the devil would call my name (grown a fearsome woman)
I'd say "now who do,
who do you think you're conning?" (grown into a cunning pol)
I'm a power obsessed Senator (grown into a demagogue)
I snatch a little here … and there
My party fears me … and loves me
They get down on their knees to love me
Cause they love me for my Village
They rock me to the Villa Hillary
And fear me
They fear me, fear me, fear me, fear me
And when I am president (soon she'll be the president)
The minute Congress calls my name (the first woman president)
I'll say "who do,
just who do you think you're addressing? (Who do you think you're 'dressing?)
I'll have the presidential seal (she'll be the president)
I'll be up on the presidential podium
My party fears me … and loves me
They get down on their knees to worship me
Like they worship me for my Village
They rock me to the Villa Hillary
And fear me
Fade out:
They fear me, fear me, fear me, fear me
(and we love her for her Village)
Personal theme for Hillary, to the tune of Paul Simon's “When something Goes Right":
You've got the cool water
When the fever runs high
You've got the look of the needy in your eye
And you were in crazy motion
'til we got you calmed down
It took a hell of a long time
but we got you calmed down
When something goes wrong
I'm the last to admit it
I'm the last to admit it
though the first one to know
When something goes Left
Well it's likely to lose you, hmm
It's apt to confuse you
It's such complex idea
Oh, you take such a long time
appreciating something so Left,
Something so Left
They've got a wall in China
It's a thousand miles long
To keep out the foreigners they made it strong
And I’ve got a wall around me
That you can't even see
It takes such a longtime
getting close to me
When something goes wrong
I'm the last to admit it
I'm the last to admit it
though the first one to know
When something goes Left
Well it's likely to lose you, hmm
It's apt to confuse you
Because it's such a complex idea
Oh, you take such a long time
appreciating something so Left,
Something so Left
Some people never say the words "I need help"
It's not their style
To be so bold
Some people never say the words "I need help"
But like a child they're longing to be told, hmm
When something goes wrong
I'm the last to admit it
I'm the last to admit it
thought the first one to know
When something goes Left
Well it's likely to lose you, hmm
It's apt to confuse you
Because it's such complex idea
Oh, you take such a long time
appreciating anything so Left,
Anything so Left
For the truly gullible we have (to the tune of Bob Dylan’s “All I Really Want To Do):
I ain't lookin' to compete with you,
Beat or cheat or mistreat you,
Simplify you, classify you,
Deny, defy or crucify you.
All I really want to do
is, baby, get a vote from you.
No, and I ain't lookin' to fight with you,
Frighten you or tighten you,
Drag you down or drain you down,
Chain you down or bring you down.
All I really want to do
is, baby, get your fair-share from you.
I ain't lookin' to block you up
Shock or knock or lock you up,
Analyze you, categorize you,
Finalize you or advertise you.
All I really want to do
is, baby, get a free pass from you.
I don't want to straight-face you,
Race or chase you, track or trace you,
Or disgrace you or displace you,
Or define you or confine you.
All I really want to do
is, baby, make a (illegal alien) voter of you.
I don't want to meet your kin,
Make you spin or do you in,
Or select you or dissect you,
Or inspect you or reject you.
All I really want to do
is, baby, make the most of you.
I don't want to fake you out,
Take or shake or forsake you out,
I ain't lookin' for you to feel like me,
See like me or be like me.
All I really want to do
is, baby, share my vision with you.
We’ll … maybe just a little.
Finally, and in the same vein as my opener, here's a little Clinton-years postscript I'll call "Toot le Clintonesque" (to the tune of Gilligan’s Island):
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
A tale of a frightful VIP,
With roots that begin in Little Rock
and a fateful campaign trip.
The mate was a mighty blistry gal,
the skipper craven and insecure.
Seven frauds set sail that day,
for an indefinite tour, an indefinite tour.
The weather started getting rough,
the ship of state was tossed,
If not for the stoop of a conniving crew,
The presidency would be lost, the presidency would be lost.
The ship went aground on the shore
of uncharted sordid guile,
With Hillary,
Slick-Willie too,
the Lippo gazillionaire,
and John Huang,
Madeleine Notsobright,
Monica and Sandy-pants
all conspiring Clintonesque style.
So this is the tale of our scofflaw pals,
they're here for a long, long time.
We'll have to make the best of things,
it's a precipitous downhill slide.
The first-mate and her skipper too,
will do their very best,
to make the themselves comfortable,
in their new Manhattan nest.
No babes, no bribes, no motorcades,
not a single luxury.
Like Robinson Crusoe,
it's primitive as can be.
So join us here each week my friend,
you're sure to get a smile.
From seven stranded White House escapees,
all conspiring Clintonesque style.
Yeah with Hillary,
Slick-Willie too,
the Lippo gazillionaire,
and John Huang,
Madeleine Not-so-bright,
Monica and Sandy-pants
All here conspiring Clintonesque style.
Comment by Robert W. Stapler | June 2, 2007
Great stuff.
How about a theme song for the whole Clinton clan:
They're creepy and they're kooky,
Mysterious and spooky,
They're all together ooky,
The Clinton Family.
Their house was a museum
Where people paid to see 'em
They really are a scream
The Clinton Family.
(Neat)
(Sweet)
(Petite)
So get a witches shawl on
A broomstick you can crawl on
We're gonna pay a call on
The Clin-ton Fam-i-ly.
Let's not forget the ever popular, House of the Rising Arkansan
There is a house in Washington,
Where lived the rising Arkansan
And it's been the ruin
Of many poor girl,
And me, oh god, I'm one.
[refrain]
If I had listened
to what my mother said
I'd have been at home today.
But I was young and ambition, oh god.
So, I let Slick-Willie have his way.
[refrain]
Go tell my baby sister -
don't do what I have done.
Go shun that house in Washington,
that house of the rising Arkansan.
[refrain]
Well, I’m going back to Washington,
My race is almost run.
I'm going back to spend my life
outing that lousy son-of-a-gun.
[refrain]
Now here's a catchy tune Hillary is sure to like; sung to the tune of "Loves me Like a Rock" (lyrics in parenthesis sung by backup chorus):
When I was a little girl, (when she was just a girl)
And the devil would call my name (when she was a headstrong girl)
I'd say "now who do,
who do you think you're conning?" (when she was just a girl)
I'm a con-secreted girl (when she was just a girl)
I'll be a preacher in the Dee-eN-Cee
Oh, my party will love me … and fear me
They'll get down on their knees to worship me
Cause they'll love me for my Village
They'll rock me to the Villa Hillary
And fear me
They'll fear me, fear me, fear me, fear me
When I was grown to be a woman (grown to be a woman)
And the devil would call my name (grown a fearsome woman)
I'd say "now who do,
who do you think you're conning?" (grown into a cunning pol)
I'm a power obsessed Senator (grown into a demagogue)
I snatch a little here … and there
My party fears me … and loves me
They get down on their knees to love me
Cause they love me for my Village
They rock me to the Villa Hillary
And fear me
They fear me, fear me, fear me, fear me
And when I am president (soon she'll be the president)
The minute Congress calls my name (the first woman president)
I'll say "who do,
just who do you think you're addressing? (Who do you think you're 'dressing?)
I'll have the presidential seal (she'll be the president)
I'll be up on the presidential podium
My party fears me … and loves me
They get down on their knees to worship me
Like they worship me for my Village
They rock me to the Villa Hillary
And fear me
Fade out:
They fear me, fear me, fear me, fear me
(and we love her for her Village)
Personal theme for Hillary, to the tune of Paul Simon's “When something Goes Right":
You've got the cool water
When the fever runs high
You've got the look of the needy in your eye
And you were in crazy motion
'til we got you calmed down
It took a hell of a long time
but we got you calmed down
When something goes wrong
I'm the last to admit it
I'm the last to admit it
though the first one to know
When something goes Left
Well it's likely to lose you, hmm
It's apt to confuse you
It's such complex idea
Oh, you take such a long time
appreciating something so Left,
Something so Left
They've got a wall in China
It's a thousand miles long
To keep out the foreigners they made it strong
And I’ve got a wall around me
That you can't even see
It takes such a longtime
getting close to me
When something goes wrong
I'm the last to admit it
I'm the last to admit it
though the first one to know
When something goes Left
Well it's likely to lose you, hmm
It's apt to confuse you
Because it's such a complex idea
Oh, you take such a long time
appreciating something so Left,
Something so Left
Some people never say the words "I need help"
It's not their style
To be so bold
Some people never say the words "I need help"
But like a child they're longing to be told, hmm
When something goes wrong
I'm the last to admit it
I'm the last to admit it
thought the first one to know
When something goes Left
Well it's likely to lose you, hmm
It's apt to confuse you
Because it's such complex idea
Oh, you take such a long time
appreciating anything so Left,
Anything so Left
(cont.)
Comment by Robert W. Stapler | June 2, 2007
(cont.)
For the truly gullible we have (to the tune of Bob Dylan’s “All I Really Want To Do):
I ain't lookin' to compete with you,
Beat or cheat or mistreat you,
Simplify you, classify you,
Deny, defy or crucify you.
All I really want to do
is, baby, get a vote from you.
No, and I ain't lookin' to fight with you,
Frighten you or tighten you,
Drag you down or drain you down,
Chain you down or bring you down.
All I really want to do
is, baby, get your fair-share out-o-you.
I ain't lookin' to block you up
Shock or knock or lock you up,
Analyze you, categorize you,
Finalize you or advertise you.
All I really want to do
is, baby, get a free pass from you.
I don't want to straight-face you,
Race or chase you, track or trace you,
Or disgrace you or displace you,
Or define you or confine you.
All I really want to do
is, baby, make a (illegal alien) voter of you.
I don't want to meet your kin,
Make you spin or do you in,
Or select you or dissect you,
Or inspect you or reject you.
All I really want to do
is, baby, make the most of you.
I don't want to fake you out,
Take or shake or forsake you out,
I ain't lookin' for you to feel like me,
See like me or be like me.
All I really want to do
is, baby, share my vision with you.
We’ll … maybe just a little.
Finally, and in the same vein as my opener, here's a little Clinton-years postscript I'll call "Toot le Clintonesque" (to the tune of Gilligan’s Island):
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
A tale of a frightful VIP,
With roots that begin in Little Rock
and a fateful campaign trip.
The mate was a mighty blistry gal,
the skipper craven and insecure.
Seven frauds set sail that day,
for an indefinite tour, an indefinite tour.
The weather started getting rough,
the ship of state was tossed,
If not for the stoop of a conniving crew,
The presidency would be lost, the presidency would be lost.
The ship went aground on the score
of uncharted sordid guile,
With Hillary,
Slick-Willie too,
the Lippo gazillionaire,
and John Huang,
Madeleine Notsobright,
Monica and Sandy-pants
all conspiring Clintonesque style.
So this is the tale of our scofflaw pals,
they're here for a long, long time.
We'll have to make the best of things,
it's a precipitous tortuous decline.
The first-mate and her skipper too,
will do their very best,
to make the themselves comfortable,
in their new Manhattan nest.
No babes, no bribes, no motorcades,
not a single luxury.
Like Robinson Crusoe,
it's primitive as can be.
So join us here each week my friend,
you're sure to get a smile.
From seven stranded White House escapees,
conspiring to get back in power,
all conspiring Clintonesque style.
Yeah with Hillary,
Slick-Willie too,
the Lippo gazillionaire,
and John Huang,
Madeleine Not-so-bright,
Monica and Sandy-pants
All here conspiring Clintonesque style.
Comment by Robert W. Stapler | June 2, 2007