You’re only ready to call yourself a true Southern gent if . . .
Once upon a time, but not too long ago, Henry Allen of the Washington Post Magazine observed that: “New England likes to think it has a civilization based on character. The South thinks it has a character based on civilization. A big difference.”
Of course, you’re only ready to call yourself a true Southern gent if . . .
(1) You call your elders “sir” or “ma’am” 200 times a week, sir.
(2) You know why – to quote Mark Twain – “A Southerner talks music.”
(3) You just want folks in the North to know that, Bobby, your 7-foot wood choppin’ brother, has feelings too.
(4) You believe your descendants had a right to stand up against those hypocritical “cotton wearin’ abolitionists.”
(5) Your mama’s prize-winning garden pumpkin is bigger than Maine.
(6) You’re a prayin’ (and a hopin’) that your Mississippi belle will take down those Northern pie-wagons in 2008’s Miss America.
(7) You believe Madonna is more offensive than the Confederate flag.
(8) You insist that the descendants of black Confederates have a right to admire the Confederate flag. (You free speech libertarian, you.)
(9) You believe that the Dixie Chicks “are dead” to Nashville. I mean “d.e.a.d.”
(10) Your “Australian friend” (me) is suing Louisiana for his addiction to hot Tabasco.
(11) Your blind auntie can make better pecan pies than Jamie Oliver.
(12) You will neither confirm nor deny rumors that your grandma is selling Confederate flag quilts on e-Bay.
(13) Your minister warned Britney to never – never! – date Hollywood. And now look!
(14) You’re less likely to hear the “n” word in your neighborhood than Chicago.
(15) Your mama told your sister to never trust Brer Rabbit. Or Bill Clinton.
(16) Your friends have been laughing at Hillary’s fake Southern twang since ’92.
(17) Your friends have been laughing at Britney’s fake English accent since yesterday.
(18) You know that there were abolitionists in the North – and South before that damn War of Northern Aggression.
(19) You also know that – REVELATION! – science confirms that testosterone levels are higher in the South.
(20) You want textbooks to explain why, as of 1827, there were more than four times as many anti-slavery groups in the South, than the self-righteous North.
(21) Your evangelical fellowship in Mississippi sends missionaries to San Francisco.
(22) You (and your fellow Southerners) know that compassion without bravery is mush.
(23) You know that I know that Southerners are classier than New Yorkers.
(24) You refuse to work on Michael Moore’s plantation. I do declare.
(25) Your Southern Baptist church even sends missionaries to convert New England’s liberal pastors. (God bless!)
(26) Your old church piano is politically incorrect.
(27) Your family laughs at me when I ask, “Why do the tall women in New York have big voice boxes – and gigantic feet?”
(28) You’ll never understand religions that reject Smithfield ham, shrimp remoulade and she-crab soup.
(29) You believe that white wedding dresses mean something.
(30) You will neither confirm nor deny rumors that those Southern fried chickens are fattening.
(31) You think it’s the year 143, because as Mark Twain said: “In the South, the war is what A.D. is elsewhere: they date from it.”
(32) You have the guts to ask your liberal professor, “Why did Cherokees, Chickasaws, Choctaws, Creeks and Seminoles – all side with the ‘racist’ Confederacy?”
(33) You’re happy that I like The Complete Tales of Uncle Remus, but suggest I hide my contraband when flying to Kennedy.
(34) You know that I know that even at the peak of slavery the majority (two-thirds) of Southerners didn’t own slaves.
(35) You’re sick of explaining why Ellen’s 2001 show flopped in the South.
(36) Y’all sick of Northerners tryin’ to feminize the NASCAR races.
(37) You’re sick of having to apologize to Northern princes for your “evil past.”
(38) You’re not inviting Katie Couric to your town’s barn dance – and she knows why!
(39) You know that the South is far less incestuous than the North. Three words: New York Times.
(40) You’re over the Dallas Morning News trying to dress up as the New York Times.
(41) You rejoiced when Ann Coulter saw the light – and moved to Florida.
(42) Your folks think that the New York Times is more incestuous than the House of Lords.
Finally, I must point out that many of the factoids (dates and so on) were compiled by Thomas E. Woods (from the North) and Clinton Johnson (from the South).
For extensions and qualifications, please read Woods’ The Politically Incorrect Guide to American History and Johnson’s The Politically Incorrect Guide to the South (and Why It Will Rise Again).
pizzatrays@yahoo.com
http://pizzatraysandbeerbottles.blogspot.com
Read more articles by Ben-Peter Terpstra
Dang, I can't find it yet on the web, but there was an interesting study mentioned in David Sloan Wilson's "Evolution For Everyone" that involved men raised in the north and south of the U.S.; basically they were put in a contrived situation where they were insulted without cause. The northerners tended to laugh it off and it didn't affect their behavior in a subsequent interaction with an unrelated individual. The southerners had noticeably elevated stress ratings (as measured by saliva samples measuring levels of testosterone and cortisol) and were much more pugnacious when interacting with an unrelated individual immediately after. Southerners who weren't insulted showed no elevated stress and were just as polite as northerners (on average, of course).
This apparently wasn't a genetic variance - the only significant variable found was the place where they'd spent formative years, not where there families had come from. That's about the only study I'd heard of that's found elevated testosterone in the South, though - perhaps it's a more stressful place.
When I get home I'll look up the reference.
Comment by Raymond Ingles | March 7, 2008
Aw shucks. Just when I was about to post a piece titled "You might be a conservative if …"
Now it would look like I'm plagerahiizin, pledgerizin, planerizin … ah heck, copyin yew.
You might be southern if you just can't help holding doors … even for feminists.
You might be southern if you know better than to correct your elders … even if you ain't especially young, yourself.
You might be southern if Bible quotes from a layman don't make your eyes roll up in their sockets.
You might be southern if Bush bashing makes you want to scream "Give it a rest!"
You might be southern if seeing the flag fly while our anthem is playing causes your hand to involuntarily rise to your heart and brings a tear to the eye.
Comment by Bob Stapler | March 7, 2008
Found it - the research was done by Richard Nisbett and Dov Cohen. They discuss it in their book "Culture of Honor" (1997). Here's a review (which discusses the experiment I mentioned): http://www.reason.com/news/show/30124.html
Comment by Raymond Ingles | March 9, 2008