Meet the Democrats

 by Ben-Peter Terpstra  

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Up close and personal with today's Democrat Party activists.

1. Graham, the antiwar activist

Notable quotable: “Not in my name”

AKA: Appeaser Boy, Chamberlain Democrat, Saddam’s Friend, Estrogen Central 

Strengths: Only barks at policemen. Is kind to ducks. Likes knitting orange beanies at Obama rallies. Is easy to sedate.

Weaknesses: Suffers from French Alzheimer’s. Or, forgets Islam’s history of barbaric conquests, but will never forget the day Bush used the “e” word in one sentence. (“Shame on you Mr. President!”)

Status: Graham is currently single. However, he likes open fires, walks along the beach, and long – long – conversations about “the complexities of life.” (Zzz…)

***

2. Misty, the movie star

Notable quotable: “Oh, you, and you”

AKA: Martini Marxist, Chardonnay Socialist, Director’s Meat

Strengths: Strips for charities. Can repeat clever lines written by underpaid Harvard graduates. Feeds her toy dogs on the good days.

Weaknesses: Strips for charities. History is not her thing. Note, she thinks Senator McCarthy was mean for naming names – and not naming names.   

Status: Marriage No. 6. Oops! Still, Misty is available for soft-porn roles.

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3. Frank, the CNN diplomat

Notable quotable:  “You don’t understand the complexities”

AKA: Geneva’s Poodle

Strengths: Can repeat clever lines written by Islamist PR firms. Is brave enough to drive an effeminate hybrid through Mississippi. Wears a green tie.

Weaknesses: His mirror is his friend. Also, Frank is very proud of his bipartisan resume, and independent referees (the Clintons, Al Gore and Mary Tyler Moore).

Status: Unhappy. Lives with his emo girlfriend in Manhattan apartment, but she has thumbs.

***

4. Professor Holly, the menopausal one

Notable quotable: “All men are pigs”

AKA: Bra Burner, Ms. Information, Man Eater, Hairy Legs

Strengths: Likes to deconstruct Happy Meals. Drives her Prius to the airport. Most interestingly, she likes domestic chores (from scrubbing her sink to mopping floors).

Weaknesses: Obsessive compulsive. Uses sex as a nuclear weapon. Acts like a martyr when Disney decides not to fund her new pro-abortion documentaries. 

Status: Single. What is she looking for? Simple. A robot to control.

***

5. Gary, the folk singer

Notable quotable: “Make love not war”

AKA: “Mr. Whiskers” (The FBI), “Mr. Bubbles” (The CIA), “That’s Him!” (27 young women under witness protection)

Strengths: Can play the guitar with three teeth. Is trying to build the relationship with the “father he never had.” Also, a good recycler, with a manic grin. 

Weaknesses: He is hungry. Forgets that “free love” kills more men than war.

Status: Recently separated. Gary’s side of the story? “I didn’t mean to punch her,” he says. “We would like America to respect our privacy.” 

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6. Mandy, the green yoof leader

Notable quotable: “America is killing the planet”

AKA: “The Voice of Her Generation” (CNN), “The Voice of Young America” (TIME), “The Green Teen Who Speaks for All the Teens” (Newsweek)

Strengths: Like, Mandy, 19, is, like, good at calculating her calories and carbon credits. Likes to organize “yoof conferences” to “save the planet.” Her vision? “To, like, turn New York’s Central Park into a giraffe sanctuary,” she says. (Seriously.)

Weaknesses: Yoyo diets. Mandy also struggles with oral sadism (“pleasure in hurting by biting”), and the many ways in which it hurts the people around her. Last year, for instance, she was accused of biting a tree chopper. The case is still pending.

Status: Single. Mandy may “speak for her generation,” but they’re certainly not hooking up with her. 

***

7. Damien, Mr. Muscle Beach, 1996

Notable quotable: “Que pasa?”

AKA: Roid Rager, Himbo, Odd-Bod, Pill-Pooper, Tool, Beefcake

Strengths: Working for Democratic causes, from pre-birth abortion rights to partial-birth abortion rights. Can memorize 4 Spanish phrases from his trip to France. (I know.)

Weaknesses: A traumatophilic. The label “sometimes used to describe patients who seem to have a knack for collecting traumatic experiences.”

Status: Serial speed dater. Warning: Mr. Muscle Beach is a bi-furious dater with anger issues.

***

8. Mohammed, the flight school student

Notable quotable: “Death to western democracies”

AKA: Son of Allah, Allah’s Son, Big Surprise, Allah’s Illegal Surprise

Strengths: Refuses to eat pork. A volunteer. Works in Texas as a crop sprayer.

Weaknesses: Thumb-sucker. Plus, wiretaps confirm that he is planning a “big surprise” for Dallas, Texas. There, authorities are carrying out an investigation.

Status: Polygamous husband. America’s taxpayers are supporting Mohammed’s 5 wives and 25 kids.

***

9. Natalie, the nymphomaniac

Notable quotable: “Why can’t I express myself?”

AKA: (Censored)

Strengths: “Naughty but nice,” Natalie, 55, says.  “I’m just an alternative street artist who combines storytelling imagery, nudity, primal screams and rhythmic claps.”  Organizes group massages for the elderly. Repairs vintage coats. Her dream? To strip for charity. “But, those fascists keep turning me away!”

Weaknesses: (Due to legal reasons, I can’t expose – no pun intended – too much.)

Status: N/A (I refuse to accept adult advertisements. Or solicitations.)

Humor

Read more articles by Ben-Peter Terpstra