How to Spot a Liberal College (in the People’s Republic of New England)
by Ben-Peter Terpstra | View comments |
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This week’s question: How do you know if your college is too liberal?
1. Your campus’s vegetarian menu is stranger than fiction.
2. Your amiable Professor defends Piss Christ with Clintonesque zeal.
3. Your tutor is denouncing globalization in his sweatshop pumps.
4. Your softball coach has suspiciously big feet and a large voice box (for a lady).
5. There are more vegetarian pizza trays in your dorm than local forests for some reason.
6. Today your classmates are eating griddled aubergines, with feta, organic mint and wild herbs.
7. Logic is worth a pinch of salt.
8. Gobbledygook is in. Latin is out.
9. The Skull and Bones is now recruiting therapists for “sharing circles.”
10. You can drive 100 miles in a 55-mph zone if you’re related to a famous Democrat, and drive a hybrid. (Never mind the old lady, Gore Junior!)
11. Rowing skills are an asset, but one’s athletic prowess in the local bar is a must.
12. Your girlfriend is always complaining about how hard it is to pack her Latino maid.
13. Your campus is a green paradise unless you’re a homeless bear.
14. No pets on campus. Still and yet, Jenny is able to invite hairy blokes in with choker chains for “coffee.”
15. Your tutor is all for cultural diversity until you write your essays in Dutch.
16. Africans are automatically more eligible than Asian applicants.
17. Your roomy isn’t just leaving his pizza trays, socks and beer bottles on the floor. No, he is “making a political statement about the many ways in which the college student’s tortuous workload and creative life are inseparably woven.”
18. Obamamaniasm is your university’s newest religion.
19. You have to speak out against Jewish fence builders.
20. You have to defend the faculty’s right to favor student applicants from private schools with high fences.
21. Your pal is good at currying favor with tax-deductible strippers.
22. The Arts Faculty is absolutely opposed to absolutes, unless, of course, you’re promoting their absolutes.
23. William F. Buckley was right. Your chaplain is also “80% atheist and 20% agnostic.”
24. University officials never urge coke users to count their carbon credits.
25. The Arts Faculty’s nerds are absolutely opposed to absolutes because they’re absolutists.
26. Your professors and the deodorant models share more foreign policy objectives than P-BS cares to admit.
27. Michael Moore is still handing out free undies – sweatshop products, my guess – in order to encourage “voter participation.”
28. Somewhere on Jupiter, purple aliens are debating the pros and cons of your college’s color quotas.
29. Your college promotes group massages. Or, Democratic functions.
30. Your campus looks like a weekly reunion for the students of Noble, Groton, Lawrenceville, Greenough, Sidwell Friends, Exeter, Eton, Harrow, Westminster, Charterhouse and Rugby.
31. Cows, you’re told, have feelings, but unborn dwarves don’t deserve a life.
32. Liberal professors are always interviewing Democrat-voting PhD candidates. Also known as “speed dating.”
33. It’s an open secret that Shakespeare, Jesus and Freud would be breaking your college’s speech codes.
34. The Army’s recruiters are shunned on campus, but Ahmadinejad is given a stage.
35. You have to believe that a white woman has given birth to a “black president.”
36. Anti-Asian affirmative action programs are promoting a funny kind of diversity.
37. Massachusetts’s Confucius says: “Better to be a Gore than a Lee or Kim when applying to honorable college.”
38. Hip students are crying about America’s “long occupation” of Iraq. Apparently, the words “nineteen fifty” and “South Korea” mean nothing.
39. Congresswoman Pelosi, the former embryo, is your professor’s idol.
40. People often hear you say, “I’m humbled that you chose to ask me out on a date, but I’m still working on your last assignment.”
41. Couscous is the most popular staple on campus.
42. A suspiciously high number of students share the same surnames as your professors.
43. You’ve signed a confidentially agreement to never discuss your professor’s experiments on unborn babies. Still, the fireflies are safe
44. Your campus is more incestuous than the Kennedy family’s summerhouse in the Hampton’s.
45. Your campus bans guns on all premises to prevent shooters from being shot.
Recommended Reading: Brainwashed: How Universities Indoctrinate America’s Youth, by Ben Shapiro.
pizzatrays@yahoo.com
http://pizzatraysandbeerbottles.blogspot.com
Read more articles by Ben-Peter Terpstra
I think the bigger challenge is to find a classical liberal college, as the vast majority seem to toe the PC line.
Comment by sedonaman | May 31, 2008
Your college may be too liberal when your professor knows more than anyone else in her area of expertise, but that's because she was the first and only person on the whole planet to ever take an intense interest in why armpit hair grows only in armpits.
Comment by Bob Stapler | May 31, 2008
And, here's what happens when you pair an alpha(potentially conservative)-male with a vacuous (I want to be an object of unquenchable lust I never reciprocate) liberal-female for a writing assignment at a liberal-arts college:
http://www.jokesaboutcollege.com/college_joke_223.html
Comment by Bob Stapler | May 31, 2008
Bob Stapler:
In English 1A, Freshman Composition and Literature, my professor told the class that someone actually got his PhD with a thesis on how someone could see the stage from a corner of one of the upper levels where the circular part meets the stage roof line.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elizabethan_theater#Theatres
Comment by sedonaman | June 2, 2008