Al Franken-stein (D-MN)?

 by Gary Larson  

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Now from the state that chose Jesse "The Body" Ventura as its governor: Senator Stuart Smalley.

When he moved back home to Minnesota in 2005, it became clear: The off-beat comic writer, sometime TV performer (Stuart Smalley), was taking his act home to run for office.

What else does an unemployed comedian, a washed-up writer full of political vitriol and putrid anti-feminist “jokes,” do after a disastrous run on liberal Air America Radio? His talk radio show, ratings in the toilet, was not funny, or enlightening, or in any way, significant.

So Alan Stuart (“Al”) Franken, 57, darling of the Hollywood Left, devotee of the Grateful Dead, came home, again (apologies to Thomas Wolfe) to the “progressive” Great Plains state whose entrenched Democrat Farmer Labor (DFL) Party actually tapped him last week (June 7, 2008) as its pick to run for the United States Senate, of all things.

“It's like a deaf man dancing, or a blind man shooting pool.”
– “Heaven Help The Fool,” Grateful Dead.

Franken brings a boatload of foul-smelling, filth-laden baggage to his bid for the Senate. Even in Minnesota, known for that kooky election (think Jesse Ventura), his real world chances are somewhere, I believe (Boy Scout's honor!), between slim to none. That is, if my home state's electorate shows a shred of good sense and, yes, of decency.

The angst-filled ex-comic failed as a soft porn writer (Playboy), and as a two-bit satirist, then as a talk radio host. Devoid of real world experience, shallow and sophomoric, Franken should be defeated handily. Still, remember “The Body” who “shocked the world” — and perhaps himself — by being elected governor here?

Governor Ventura (nee Janos) bested now-U.S. Senator Norman Coleman (R-MN) in a three-way gubernatorial race when no one was looking, when few thought a tough-talking wrestler had a snowball's chance in Hades. Could it happen again?

State Republicans call Franken “their dream candidate.” His hefty baggage is hard to live down, subject even of local press scrutiny, surprisingly for local liberal media, usually solidly in among DFL camp followers. State GOP bosses hint of more tawdry revelations yet to come about this “Franken-stein” DFL candidate.

We have not heard, then, the last of his story. His professional background of profanity and borderline pornography, might be (the tides being right) the Millstone around his neck. Real tough stuff to overcome, his using the rape of a woman politician, for example, in an allegedly “funny” sketch.  It will not fly in this the still relatively God-fearing Midwest. (Get a load of Al's money machine — it's called “Midwest Values.” Is this totally ironic, or what?)

“Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose . . .”
– “Me and Bobbie McGee,” Grateful Dead.

Franken's base (a.k.a. dirty) sketches make fun of women, even of rape. With this kind of nonsense on the record, a mind-boggling question arises: What in the world were state DFL activists, this party of squeaky clean HHH, thinking to make this monster their choice to be a U.S. Senator? Huh? Huh?

Here is a candidate for Senate who neglects to pay his taxes, for heaven's sake!  As a “progressive” liberal, out to pick pockets of “the wealthy,” he would be willing to foist taxes on everyone else, and make the rules?

"Can you thread a needle? Can you shoot the moon?"
– “Promontory Rider,” Grateful Dead.

In New York, Franken failed to pay workers' comp taxes, paid up late, and was fined $25 grand. Not chump change.

In California, where he made 32 handsomely-paid appearances between 2003 and 2008, including on Jay Leno's NBC-TV show, he failed to pay any state income taxes. Blamed his accountant he did. Even dumb pro athletes know they own a share of their California spoils to the State of California.

Taxing errors were repeated in 17 other states, to the tune of about $70,000. Naturally, all were his accountant's goofs. What DO they teach CPAs nowadays?

Franken's angst, his unbridled anger, politely called acerbic by some, are manifest in his third-rate “literary” works, such as Why NOT Me? This is a parody about his fantasy run for president in 2000, a take-off of what the late Pat Paulson did decades ago, and not nearly as funny. His oozing-with-hatred for all things conservative, typical of the intolerant-of-others Left, appears in screeds such as Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot and Other Observations. (Give that one a 2 on a scale of 10 for humor.)

Franken's ideological soul mate, Senator Paul Wellstone, died in a plane crash shortly before the 2002 election. That was when Senator Coleman was elected over Wellstone's last-minute replacement, former Vice President and DFL party stalwart Walter F. Mondale.

Attending the “memorial service” at which a rootin'-tootin' DFL pep rally broke out, Franken insisted, with not a wink, people there did NOT boo Republicans, such as Senator Trent Lott, for daring to show up to pay their respects. Anyone watching it on TV with sound on, could hear with their own ears, this was untrue. Partisanship had taken over; respect for the dead, fled the hall.

Not making it anymore as a comic, in New York or elsewhere, Franken turned to political radio, as headliner for Air America which, despite being plugged endlessly and shamelessly by mainstream media, was plagued by low ratings.

Radio was his last-ditch stand to give voice to his leftist polemics.  His largely scripted programs, stilted, often off-base factually, to fit his faux reality, were not remotely close to being spontaneous. No, they approached self-parody, without the principals having a clue. Simply put, Franken did not “get it.” Anger does that sometimes.

But Air America gave him a podium for parading his liberal positions: Pro-choice, of course; his calls for higher taxes; pro-gun control; in favor of same-sex “marriages;” strident opposition to the war on terrorism, especially that part in Iraq, for which he'd withdraw troops and claim victory in the jaws of defeat. ("Death to America?")

(To his ever-lasting credit, though, Franken did make two trips to Iraq to visit our military without putting them down, handing out a few laughs, even as he savaged their commander-in-chief and the defense secretary, calling them war-mongers. All in a day's work?)

Franken believes in lots of silly things. Examples: Congress should refuse to pass appropriations bills if they don't include a timetable to tell the enemy exactly when we are withdrawing from Iraq. (Brilliant!)  Yank all help for Big Oil if it's USA Big Oil, merely aiming to expand the nation's oil supplies. “Secure” (to use Hillary's and Obama's pet term for “providing”) universal health care.  (P.S. It would be single-payer, and guess who pays?)

“All my life I've been waitin', tonight there will be no hesitatin'. . .”
– “Oh Boy,” Grateful Dead.

To a mostly enraptured DFL crowd, hanging on his every word in his acceptance speech, Franken boldly — and quite out of necessity — said he'd “stand up for women,” when he got to Washington, D.C.  Why, he'd become a women's “champion!”

Going ga-ga over the big-name Hollywood-type liberal come home, DFL Convention delegates put Al Franken over the top by a whopping 62% on the very first ballot!  From here on, as the famous actress once said, “It's going be a bumpy ride.” Hang on!

No, it won't be townspeople with pitchforks and torches running this monster uphill to turn aside his bid for the U.S. Senate. No, they will be ordinary, plain-speaking, decent folks, blessed with common sense.  They will stride purposefully to the ballot boxes to re-elect the savvy, unflappable moderate Republican, Norm Coleman to a second term. Count on it . . . but don't bet the entire farm. Stranger things have happened in my native Minnesota.

Elections & Political Parties

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