As my eyes return to my newspaper after scanning the snowy landscape outside my window, I catch sight of the five words that are sure to melt the ice in the hearts of all real American sports fans: pitchers and catchers report tomorrow.
Now that the NFL season is thankfully behind us with all of its macho violence and general inanity, we can finally look forward to the end of winter. While I was surprised at the number of folks who commiserated with me and the beefs I raised in my column on the Super Bowl last week, it still managed to raise the hackles of many a football fan. And that's a shame since I still consider myself as one of them, though dismayed at the direction the game and its packaging have taken.
But soon the buds will bloom, the sun will lengthen its daily visit and we will smile as we acknowledge the many blessings of God, one of which is that spring training is imminent. And when the beloved sound of horsehide striking leather once again fills our ears, and the sight of pure white lime dusting red clay and green, green grass widens our eyes, we'll know that the real American pastime is back.
Thirty or so years ago George Carlin, one of our many foulmouthed philosophers, managed to come up with a witty routine outlining the differences between football and baseball. And although it was meant as a critique of football as a symbol of America's dreaded military industrial complex bent on land acquisition, it was nonetheless quite funny in its own right.
But there really are differences between the two sports and those who televise them and follow them. One of the biggest was on display two weeks ago. American football, particularly the professional game, is underpinned by gambling and to deny this is to ignore that the NFL itself requires teams to publish weekly injury reports.
Now don't get me wrong, I've been known to place a bet or two and certainly there are those who wager on baseball. Indeed, my husband, a confirmed Yankee-hater, delights in taking the Bombers in the playoffs in order to guarantee himself a happy outcome no matter who wins. But he and those like him are in the distinct minority. But take out football betting and particularly the accompanying pools, and the only interest most folks would have in the big game might be the insulting commercials and mindless halftime "entertainment."
Another difference is in record-keeping. Statistics were virtually made for baseball fans and long before collecting them became a cottage industry, children who could barely memorize their times tables could rattle off the entire contents of baseball cards at will. Stats are the lifeblood of baseball and of baseball arguments. Sure, there are stats used in football but they are hardly ever indicative of anything relevant: "When so-and-so rushes for over 100 yards his team wins 75 per cent of the time;" what a revelation! The fact that the purveyors of football telecasts use such graphics is an insult to the game's fans.
But TV coverage is one of the major differences between football and baseball. For all who buy into the bogus assertion that baseball is boring — which it most certainly is not — then it is the fault of networks and not the game itself. In the earlier days of baseball telecasts, one occasionally got to see something other than the pores of the pitcher and batter. Why was the two-base steal of Johnny Damon in Game 4 of the World Series such a shock to all those not at the ballpark? It was because Fox in its wisdom never bothered to show that third base was uncovered due to the fact that the Phillies had employed a shift against Mark Teixeira. Nor are we often treated to those ancillary goings-on that make the game so great: live shots of bench-jockeying, coaches flashing signs, infielders deking base runners or vice versa.
But as I said, these glaring errors occur only in October or the weekly network games. Televised as it is mostly at the local level, baseball retains a charming homer-ism when it comes to broadcasting. Here in the New York metro area, as in most of the country, each team has had its favorites like Phil "The Scooter" Rizzuto or Bob Murphy — one of the best summer voices of all time — who although a Mets broadcaster, endeared himself to yours truly by refusing to refer to Jack Murphy Stadium by any other name; corporate sponsorships be damned!
Baseball, when properly shown in all its lazy, sun-drenched glory is, unlike football, truly a pastime, which by definition is meant to be a leisurely diversion. And oh, do we need it after the mind-numbing events of the past year. But not to worry, as my eyes return to my newspaper after scanning the snowy landscape outside my window, I catch sight of the five words that are sure to melt the ice in the hearts of all real American sports fans: pitchers and catchers report tomorrow.
They tacked an extra $5.00 onto your ticket price for cheap plastic glasses, but there you sit, happily eating your $9.00 bag of popcorn and watching Avatar in 3D. It’s entertainment, just simple entertainment, nothing more and having no significance beyond Hollywood’s ability to earn a king’s ransom through creating a science fiction movie the entire family can love. On another day you sit in the stands right behind 3rd base, drinking your beer, catching some rays – just another form of entertainment. But for this author and other Conservative writers such as George Will, baseball isn’t just everyday entertainment, it has an added dimension, an almost religious quality which somehow represents everything good about Conservatism and America.
At one time, I thought Conservative writers were basically just lazy, they have to crank out their frequent essays to post on websites such as IC and when you’re suffering with a severe case of writer’s block, you can always pen some nonsense about baseball. But Fabrizio and Will are definitely fixated on the subject – they know they can elicit a response from fellow Conservatives by waving the flag of America’s National Pastime, it’s definitely a “hot button” for many folks on the Right. They also appear to have a genuine passion for the game. But no one here has responded to this author’s heartfelt passion, Fabrizio’s sophomoric ode to baseball is sitting here all lonely, a Conservative essay resembling the proverbial wallflower at the high school dance and being studiously ignored by veteran commentators on IC. I felt bad about that so here goes a polite response no one should take very seriously or spend much time thinking about.
Lisa – George – hope you don’t mind if I call you by your first names – guys, get a life. Professional baseball is not a sport, it’s entertainment. A sport is a bunch of sweaty guys drinking beer and playing softball while their wives gossip, yell at the kids to knock it off and unwrap the potato salad before the after game BBQ. Lisa, George – professional baseball is no more a sport than pole dancing – it’s a form of entertainment some folks enjoy. It’s very slow paced, you could become eligible for social security benefits while waiting for the pitcher to read the sign from the catcher or watching the coach make his long, slow waddle out to the mound in order to relieve a faltering pitcher – that’s ok though, some folks like slow, others don’t.
Basketball and hockey are played at a much faster pace, sometimes their constant repetition lulls fans into a hypnotic state, another drive on the basket, didn’t we just see that a moment ago, is this the first period, is it the third period? Up and down the court, back and forth across the ice, but the action is steady and, compared to baseball, like a Bugatti Veyron moving at 185 miles per hour vs. professional baseball on its rusty skateboard flying along at 6 miles per hour. Football is played faster than baseball, but slower than hockey and, unlike baseball, every team member is involved on every play, plus it has a chess like quality when it comes to strategy vs. baseball’s game of checkers like simplistic rules and tactics.
And Lisa, George – minor differences aside, it’s still all about entertainment. Mark McGuire lived nearby at one time, I saw him coming and going, he seemed like just another guy, entertainer by day, living in the burbs’ at night. But then he took steroids to enhance his performance with the bat and that was very wrong and hurtful to all Americans – right? Not really, at least no more disturbing than other entertainers enhancing their natural ability to entertain, consider Pamela Anderson’s breast augmentation, Julia Robert’s botoxed lips. When I was a young man, I can recall little Michael Jackson and the Jackson 5 performing live in Detroit. Just another nappy headed little black kid, sporting a huge afro at that time and with considerable talent as a singer. Later, he would alter his appearance, become a bizarre caricature of his human self. But it apparently worked, he grew very wealthy and entertained tens of millions around the world. If your appearance enhancements or performance improvement drugs contributes to your entertainment value, what’s the harm?
Finally, George, Lisa, let me close by noting we’re talking big money here, even a guy kicking the football a few times during a game will bank far more money than you two will ever earn writing about baseball – or Conservative values for that matter. Entertainers come from all over the world to work in America, we pay them extremely well, we pamper them greatly, we’re a rich nation and have no tolerance for poorly paid entertainers. Whether you live in New York or L.A., a highly paid sports entertainer represents you, your city, your unique local culture. It doesn’t matter in the least this famous athletic entertainer could care less about you as a fan or your dreary rust belt city when he’s off camera and not spouting sports clichés about how much he loves to represent you. It doesn’t matter that many professional sports are no longer remotely American in makeup, baseball players from Hispanic countries south of our border, football players from Samoa, hockey players from Eastern Europe, boxers from Mexico, golfers from Australia – we don’t care where you come from, you’re a true blue American when you represent Chicago or Houston, you carry our hopes and dreams for a championship, we exist briefly within the harmless fantasy that we’re you – and you are us – and that’s entertainment, folks.