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  Human Shields
by Tony Sarrecchia
March 2003

The funniest thing is that the shields have discovered that Saddam not only welcomes them, but also plans to use them. This writer is nominating the human shields for the Darwin Awards.

I had promised the Internet readers of this column that I would resist any further temptation to talk about the war in Iraq. However, I, as a journalist and humorist, cannot ignore this new wrinkle.

My nomination for this years Darwin awards (awards which are given, usually posthumously, to a person or persons who did something so incredibly stupid, that by their death, they’ve increased the overall intelligence in the gene pool) are the human shields in Iraq. Now, I don’t mean the Iraqi civilians who are forced at the barrel of a gun to stand in front of power plants and other infrastructure targets; I mean the lobotomized corps of Western volunteers who have decided to save Saddam from the rest of the world. The human shields (which is Iraqi for cannon fodder) believe that if enough of them are there, the US and its allies will not attack. Talk about inflated self-worth; these vermin have more ego than Austin Powers in a room full of fembots if they believe their presence should make a difference to our mission.

General Tommy R. Franks, Commander of the US Central Command and soon to be the governor-general of Iraq, has assured the world that if bombing is required, it will happen with or without human shields on the ground. In reference to minimizing the loss of innocent civilians, he said “we will do our best, but we can’t guarantee 100% accuracy.” Maybe if the human shields all agree to wear white tee shirts adorned with targets the accuracy would increase. After all, this bouillabaisse of aging hippies and confuses college students are hardly innocent. Far from it--if they are killed in the war, their death certificate should read “suicide” or “death by stupidity” not “causality of war."

Of course, once the rockets start flying, you know that these superficial shields will expect the US troops to rescue them from harm—and our heroic men and women will risk their lives for these bedwetting betrayers of the US and its allies. I wonder what would happen if it were the other way around?

The funniest thing, to me at least, is that the shields have discovered the Saddam not only welcomes them, but also plans to use them. One group was stationed inside a school. One can imagine these anti-American aphids bloating on self-importance. “See,” they would say, using that comically counterintuitive logic that only liberals or drunken rednecks have, “Saddam knew that the Americans would target helpless school children—let’s see them try that now. We are making a difference.” I would have loved to see the look on their faces when oily old Saddam moved a regiment of soldiers into the school effectively making the school and its dwellers a valid target.

One Aussie shield, whose reasoning was partially restored in the desert sun, decided this shield business was not for him and he returned home. In a conversation with the New York Times (Human Shields, No Resume Required, Neil MacFarquban, 2/20/03) he said, “I think the Iraqi government is potentially putting us in a dangerous position.” Hey Sparky, it is not the Iraqi government who is putting you there; YOU are putting yourself there. What did you think you were going to do as a human shield; talk about the imperialist US while hanging out at Level 3 Baghdad?
Where were these shields when Saddam was spraying chemical weapons on his own people? I didn’t see any of these intellectually impaired evolutionary misfits shielding the Iraqi people from the blade of the executioner or the torture of amputation. And point me to the source that shows one of those shields saving a woman from a Saddam sponsored rapist. I guess those little human rights violations were not that important. Perhaps calling these Lilliputian intellects “human shields” is too kind. But what to call them? Let’s see they’ve put themselves in the way of our mission in order to aid Saddam; clearly, they have chosen his side over ours.

I know, let us call them what they really are: traitors.

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Tony is a communications major with a professional writing minor. The archives of his work can be found at http://www.tsjgroup.com/tony