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Queer Eye, Yet a Straight Guy: Metrosexuality, Beautiful Women, and my New Years Resolution
by Charles Simpson
5 December 2003Female

The naissance of the Metrosexual is prima facie evidence that women are winning the war of the sexes.

The feminist oral tradition has been preserved by story-telling college professors, liberal activists, and the National Organization of Women.  However, as social trends prove the glass ceiling a feminist wives tale and women outnumber men in the student populations of universities, the dispute over gender equality in education and at the workplace has been resolved much to the conventional feminist’s chagrin.  Perhaps the concession there indeed exists a tacit war between the sexes is enough to indemnify some of their complaints?  Nope.  While some gender conflicts definitely persist, it’s becoming manifestly obvious that women are winning the war on a larger scale.  To understand this dynamic, one need not look any further than the phenomenon of “Metrosexuality.”

“Metrosexual” is a term used to describe a man who is in touch with his feminine side.  Like Ben Stiller’s character in the movie Zoolander, these fragrant men wear mousse, dress with a dapper sophistication, shop with the zeal of a valley girl, and can decorate a Manhattan loft as adroitly as Martha Stewart.  In lieu of football, nachos, and beer, metrosexuals pursue interests in linens, shoes, and cosmopolitans.  Put bluntly, Metrosexuals are best characterized as men who on the surface appear gay but are in fact attracted to women.  Clearly, the intent of this behavior is to get in touch with one’s feminine side with the ultimate end of touching a feminine side, front, back, et al.

The naissance of the Metrosexual is prima facie evidence that women are winning the war of the sexes.  Some men will try almost anything to enhance their pursuit of women.  If wearing exotic colognes and foregoing an interest in pitch counts for thread counts will help the cause, so be it.  Trite movie plots about boys dressing up like girls in order to be invited to the sorority slumber party are no longer so contrived.  While this change in behavior marks a drastic step in the evolution of the eligible bachelor, don’t expect women to make a congruent transition: it’s unnecessary.  The circumstance of simply being a woman is adequate.

Feminists have remained reticent to acknowledge a paradigm that society has failed to overtly admit: women run the show.  Throughout history, attractive women have always maintained the upper hand: just ask Mark Antony, Priam, Petrarch, or any heart-broken single fellow.  Women have inspired poetry, art, wars, and episodes of Jerry Springer.  Metrosexuality is simply one more ploy to win the hearts and ring fingers of single ladies.  Since beautiful women are such a hegemonic cohort, feminists create rules and constraints to “level the playing field” for those they fatuously perceive as unattractive.  The axioms of feminism don’t apply to gorgeous girls because they ignore the intrinsic advantages all women possess. Instead of accentuating these benefits, feminists demagogue men as insensitive scum, domestic abusers, oppressors, and befuddled Neanderthals.  Who wouldn’t want to mitigate such harsh indictments by spending the day at the salon, Saks Fifth Avenue, or Bath and Body Works? 

In the end, Metrosexuality will prove to be nothing more than a quirky fad.  Feminists are fighting for relevance amidst stern refutations nascent in statistical and anecdotal evidence. Women, despite finding little to no “oppression” in the work place, are returning home to raise kids or fulfill other pursuits.  Concomitantly, Metrosexuality will have to confront a similar impediment: women who don’t want their boyfriends telling them what color scheme best matches their skin complexion.  A simple “no” to the question, “Does this dress make me look fat?” should suffice.  Contrary to what feminists have told us about the evils of men and a male-dominated society, women will want their rugged, belching, football-spiraling, jeans-wearing counterparts to remain intact. 

I, on the other hand, will make my own attempt to cope with the primacy of the fairer sex.  After several years of dating beautiful women (two and a half years with an especially appealing blonde bombshell), my attitude towards them has changed drastically.  I understand the influence they wield and the prudence with which they must be approached.  As such, my New Years resolution for 2004 is simple: keep wearing jeans, continue to exert as much manliness as a scrawny 5’8” political science geek can wield, and leave the linen shopping to my mom.  I will also make an honest effort to refrain from cherishing girls as simply a pair of blue eyes, soft blonde hair, and an attractive figure.  While it might be possible to ignore nature, attempting to change it is an exercise in futility.

Charles Simpson is an aspiring political pundit and holds a B.A. in Political Science from Emory University

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