That Johnnie Cochran
takes Saddam Hussein's case and argues "If the remains in the mass graves
have dissolved, you must absolve."
That Dennis Kucinich marries Carol Moseley Braun and they become President and Vice President/First Lady respectively.
That Noam Chomsky becomes head of the Department of Peace, formerly known as the Department of Defense.
That the Dixie Chicks hit number one again with their new smash hits "Treasonous Soldier" and "Chomsky Take Me Away."
That Howard Dean's "interesting theory" inspires the best-selling Al Franken
book on 9/11, "Bush Knew and the Knowing Saudis Who Told Him"
That Mohammed Al-Sahhaf and Jayson Blair are jointly appointed to the newly
revived position of Independent Counsel to determine "the truth" regarding
whether the Bush administration lied about Iraqi weapons of mass destruction.
That Mumia Abu-Jamal replaces John Ashcroft as Attorney General.
That Al Sharpton becomes U.S. Ambassador to the Alaskan Camp for Displaced
Zionists, the replacement for Israel which was ceded to Iran under the Kucinich-Khamenei
That the protesters who went to Iraq as human shields and harangued President
Bush in London will join forces and go to Guantanamo Bay to protest if the
Al-Qaeda prisoners are fed genetically modified foods or water that violates
the pre-Bush administration arsenic standard.
That Rush Limbaugh serves more time for using chemicals on himself than Saddam
Hussein does for using chemical weapons on the Kurds.
That the U.S. Supreme Court strikes down the Pledge of Allegiance and replaces
it with "I hereby channel my emotions to one United Nations under Mother
Earth, and to the collective for which it stands, divisible by endless manual
recounts and subject to all policies being vetoed by the French, with income
redistribution and affirmative action for all."
That it continues to be impossible under our one-size-fits-all public school
teacher compensation system to pay the best teachers more for teaching well
and pay teachers more in subjects in which there are teacher shortages.
That you would rather see the International Criminal Court put George W.
Bush on trial than a U.S. military tribunal put Osama bin Laden on trial.
That all whites and Asians finally come to realize the benefits of affirmative
action and voluntarily give up all of their slots at the nation's colleges
to lesser qualified minority applicants, settling instead for a lifetime
of minimum wage work from which they can be taxed to pay reparations for
slavery to Jesse Jackson, Oprah Winfrey, and all other blacks regardless
That Clintonite Gary Winnick and DNC Chairman Terry McAuliffe of Global Crossing
book-cooking fame are designated to count the ballots in Florida in the 2004
That CBS follows "The Reagans" with "The Bushes: The Texas Cowboy Massacre,"
a script by Gore Vidal starring Alec Baldwin as George W. Bush and Jeanine
Garofalo as Laura Bush.
That Al Gore is vindicated for his false claim that he and Tipper's relationship
was the basis for the 1970's romance novel "Love Story" when it is discovered
that they were the inspiration for Saddam Hussein's third love novel "Stud
with a Long Scud: A Libido Soiree in Guantanamo Bay" featuring an introduction
by Congressman Jim McDermott.
That all schools discontinue their abusive hierarchical practice of giving
grades because of its disparate impact on academically challenged students.
That Fidel Castro will finally get the richly deserved recognition he deserves
and join fellow comrade in arms Yasser Arafat as a recipient of the Nobel
That all those damned Likudnik neocons go back to selling diamonds instead of wars.
That the Palestinians finally stop taking Israeli abuses lying down and,
for once, rise up and actually defend themselves against those ferociously
oppressive Israeli women and children who are on the prowl at shopping centers
That progressive federal judges stop states from enforcing their laws against
convicted felons voting and that George Soros funds the sending of the Willie
Horton ad on videotape to all prisoners to encourage them to vote Democrat.
That all tests of U.S. anti-missile defense systems now in development are
unsuccessful so the argument that they can never work is not refuted.
That squeamish college administrators will finally get some guts and shut
down reactionary right-wing campus groups that are creating a hostile learning
environment by baking cookies, observing professors for bias, and printing
That the Ten Commandments displays at all public buildings are replaced by
either the Seven Deadly Sins, a Richard Simmons' Twelve Step Program, or
the Unabomber's 24-point manifesto.
If these are your New Year's wishes for 2004, congratulations! You have won
a one-way ticket to Pyongang aboard the massive tofu-powered cruise ship,
"The U.S.S.R. Ramsey Clark." Preferred boarding will be extended to
those on John Ashcroft's secret blacklist. This trip includes complimentary
campfire readings of the writings of Chairman Mao hosted by the Honorable
Kim Jong Il at his private gulags. Your ticket will be held at the
nearest Dennis Kucinich for President rally. Matricular consular ID
cards issued by foreign governments will be gladly accepted as identification.
Marc A. Levin is an appellate lawyer, President of the American Freedom Center,and Associate Editor of The Austin Review.