The New York Times was utterly shocked last week to discover that First Lady Laura Bush isn’t a blithering idiot. According to the Times, the once “decorous” wife of the commander-in-chief is now a fiendish, money-grubbing, policy-shaping, Republican operative.
“The fact is,” the Times explained, “Mrs. Bush is moving into a new
role as a prominent surrogate for her husband in his re-election campaign.”
Apparently she’s “quietly raised” several million dollars for the race, and,
even more astoundingly, “vigorously defended” her husband. Still, the
Times was dumbstruck by the notion that she’s both a loyal
wife, and a thinking woman. “As forcefully as Mrs. Bush defended the president
and his policies, she also disclosed there might be distance between husband
and wife on some issues.” You mean Republicans think for themselves? Stop the presses!
Evidently Mrs. Bush is not the dim-wit Times reporters assumed she
was. She’s “complicated” and “more immersed in White House policy than
her public image suggests.” Moreover, it seems that she can transition
from one emotion to the next as flawlessly as any Manhattanite liberal.
At first, the article explains, she was “mostly pleasant,” but then got “testy”
when the interviewer started badgering her about her husband’s chances for
re-election. Later, she “bristled.”
The media is always impressed by Republicans who can engage in intelligent
conversation because, to them, it simply goes without saying that we’re all
stupid. Water is made of hydrogen and oxygen; what goes up must come
down; Republicans are dumb.
At this point, it is unclear as to whether the press will spend the next
nine months calling President Bush stupid, or if they’ll decide to save that
for 2008’s Republican nominee. True, they sort of wore it out in 2000,
but that’s never stopped them in the past. At the moment, the principal
strategy of the anti-Bush lobby is to lie about Bush’s military record.
Unlike WAR HERO John Kerry, WHO FOUGHT IN VIETNAM HONORABLY and SAVED LIVES,
Bush was in the Texas Air National Guard. That’s why, according to
the same Democrats who defended draft-dodger Bill Clinton, John Kerry, WAR
HERO, will win this election.
As has now been widely reported, DNC chief Terry McAuliffe said recently
that he looks forward to the election because Bush “was AWOL in the Alabama
National Guard.” Doing his best Ricky Ricardo impression, McAuliffe
then said that Bush “has a lot of explaining to do.”
Unfortunately for Democrats, the inevitable has arrived. As usual,
facts have proven them wrong. The White House has released pay records
that prove without question that Bush has been telling the truth all along.
The documents indicate that Bush earned credit for active duty between May
1972 and May 1973, the very period of time Democrats have been whining about.
A memo written by Lt. Col. Albert Lloyd Jr., personnel director for the Texas
Air National Guard from 1969-1995, said that the documents prove that Bush
“completed his military obligation in a satisfactory manner.” In addition,
it has been common knowledge for quite a while that Bush was awarded an honorable
discharge on October 1, 1973, roughly two years after Kerry came home from
the war and told the U.S. Senate that Vietnam veterans were murderers.
As if all of this wasn’t enough, now we find out that General William Turnipseed—the
guy who said in 2000 that he doesn’t remember Bush being in Alabama when
he was supposed to be—wasn’t even there!
I don’t want to be premature in my analysis of this situation, but it looks
like the Party of Ideas may be running out of ideas. Calling the President’s
wife stupid and the President himself a draft-dodger isn't really cutting
it, especially since neither charge is true. The good news for Democrats
is that they’ve got a bona fide Fighting Man for their nominee! Surely
John Kerry, VIETNAM VETERAN AND HEROIC WARRIOR, can come up with something
to talk about until November!
Z. Sterrett, a resident of Aptos, California, is a Lifetime Member of the
California Junior Scholarship Federation and a Sustaining Member of the Republican