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The List: John Kerry's Foreign Endorsements
All the News That Gives Fits When Printed
21 March 2004

The John Kerry campaign is debating whether to release its list of foreign endorsements to the press. IC has obtained a rough draft...

List of Key Foreign Endorsements
John Kerry Campaign
DRAFT COPY 3/21/04

Jacques Chirac

Jacques Chirac, President
Republic of France

The French President shares Senator Kerry's taste in wine and women and never lets the secret service push him to the ground. Says Chirac, "Middle America is fat and uncultured." Adds Kerry, "The French military has been  underrated by historians."

Kim Jong-Il

Kim Jong-Il, Dear Leader
Democratic People's Republic of Korea

Senator Kerry met the Dear Leader at a School of the Americas protest in Fort Benning, Georgia. The Dear Leader was selling North Korean flags and lapel pins, and denouncing capitalism. Kim Jong-Il: "I support Senator Kerry's attempts in the Senate to dismantle the American military and intelligence apparatus." Kerry: "I think my wife might like that flag."

Yassar Arafat

Yassar Arafat, Chairman
Palestinian National Authority

Chairman Arafat and John Kerry met at the 1991 World Anti-Zionist Convention, where they swapped stories with David Duke and exchanged wealth preservation and tax avoidance tips. Arafat: "Matzel Tov! Together we will defeat Ariel Sharon and his lackey President Bush."  Kerry: "You are a statesman and a role model, and you can print that."

Ahmed Yassin

Sheikh Ahmed Yassin, Spiritual Leader

Senator Kerry met Sheikh Ahmed Yassin at a 1974 teach-in at the Sorbonne, "American Imperialism and Zionism, the Two Greatest Threats to Peace Today." Yassin: "Jihad will continue and the resistance will continue until we have victory, or we will be martyrs." Kerry: "We do not need another barrier to peace. Provocative and counterproductive measures only harm Israel’s security..."

Mahathir Mohamed

Mahathir Mohamed, Former Prime Minister
Federation of Malaysia

Senator Kerry had a private meeting with Dr. Mohamed after his scholarly speech at Harvard University, "1.3 billion Muslims cannot be defeated by a few million Jews." Said Mohamed, "The Jews rule this world by proxy. They get others to fight and die for them." Kerry: [sg - Do we want this guy's endorsement?]

Daniel Ortega

Daniel Ortega
Sandinista National Liberation Front

Kerry: "No one who supports the contras has dared stand up and say, 'The contras can win,' because they cannot.'" Ortega: "How's your bracket, John?"

Kofi Annan

Kofi Annan, Secretary General
United Nations

Senator Kerry met Kofi Annan at a 1991 Sierra Club Spotted Owls are People Too conscience-raising benefit fundraiser in Seattle. Annan: "I care passionately about international species bio-diversity." Kerry: "The US should provide more money for that."

Ho Chi Minh

Ho Chi Minh, Founder
Democratic Republic of Vietnam

Thoughtful people and historians presume Ho, had he lived longer, would have offered Senator Kerry a Cabinet position -- Propaganda Minister -- in the new government. Ho: "Down with Yankee imperialism." Kerry: "Hey, hey, Ho, Ho, George W. Bush has got to go!"

Saddam HusseinGaddafi

Muammar Qadhafi, Colonel
Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriya

Saddam Hussein

Saddam Hussein, President-in-Exile and Victim of Anglo-Zionist Aggression
Republic of Iraq

Senator Kerry was one of Hussein's principal supporters during the Zionist-inspired, Anglo-led invasion of Iraq in 1991 (Kuwait is actually the 19th province of Iraq). Hussein: "I hate the Bush family." Kerry: "I voted against every single weapons program the US military used against you in 2003."


International Human Rights Activist, Scholar, Teacher

Senator Kerry is long-time listener and disciple of the philosopher-poet Madonna, who lives full-time in London. Madonna: "I find the language of George W offensive." Kerry: "Wow."

sg - i'm not sure if Geri Halliwell qualifies as a foreign leader, what do you think - jfk

If you doubt this is a parody, please contact the editors.