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9-11 Panel Closed-door Testimony Leaked!
All the News That Gives Fits When Printed
05 April 2004

As the 9-11 panel re-convenes, Richard Clarke describes the process by which he divined the intentions of his co-workers. This is actual testimony leaked from the closed-door sessions of the 9-11 panel.

Panel Member: Mr. Clarke, can you tell us how you came to realize that Ms. Rice had no knowledge of Al Queda?

Clarke: Certainly. I mentioned to Ms. Rice the very real threat that Al Queda posed to the United States. The first intimation I had of her ignorance on the topic was the slight depression of the Orbicularis Oris, which hung briefly then elasticized her Depressor Anguli and at that very moment the left Massetor flexed suddenly in conjunction with her right Risorious. After that her entire Frontalis rose in tandem with her Traverse Nasi. Finally, her left Levator Palpebra drooped and a discernible twitch could be seen along her right Buccinator.

Panel Member: I see. You also mention that you “felt” pressured to identify Iraq as the 9-11 culprit. You say that the President spoke to you in an “intimidating” way about this subject. Tell us about this.

Clarke: On 9-11 the President took me aside in the Situation Room. At one point he turned away from me to talk to someone else. At that moment, the back of his head was directly in my line of sight. Being familiar with the 1st & 2nd editions of Spurzheim’s landmark phrenology study, Physiognomical System, I immediately recoiled in fear and trepidation at what I saw.

Panel Member: (clearing throat) Ahem… interesting.

Clarke: Yes I am… but I digress. Just above the President’s left Occipital bone was a slight but perceptible bulge.

Panel Member: A bulge?

Clarke: More of a rise really… but according to Spurzheim and Gall, this rise is wholly indicative of combativeness on the part of the owner.

Panel Member: The owner?

Clarke: The owner of the head!? (pause, and then incredulously) The President.

Panel Member: I see.

Clarke: Next, I noticed that just above the atlas was a protruding swell, nay, a knob. Now I need not tell you that philoprogenitiveness seems to run in his heredity line.

Panel Member: I’m sorry philopro – what?

Clarke: Philoprogenitiveness. A love of offspring. A hump in this locale is a clear indicator of the same. Indeed, I submit to you that were you to examine this cranium area on the head of former President George H. W. Bush, you would find this same protrusion demonstrating a distinctive vein of revenge for any and genealogical angst, passed down now to Bush 43.

Panel Member: I’m sorry? How’s that?

Clarke: Saddam wanted to off his dad. The bump on his neck shows he wanted to kick Iraq in the rump and make off with the goods. It’s all so clear.

Panel Member: Yes. Crystal.

Clarke: The president turned to me again. I could now discern an augmented pelt along the sphenoid bone just above his left eye. I’m sure most of you recall the famous words of Dr. Gall: “c'est une manière d'être qui donne à t homme une empreinte particulière que Von appelle le caractère.”

Panel Member: Ummm…

Clarke: He’s intimidating! His forehead’s a dead giveaway!

Panel Member: Well, we thank you for your intelligent discourse Mr. Clarke. Have you any parting shots – um – thoughts?

Clarke: I can make one final recommendation. What this country needs is someone whose frontal anatomy makes no furrow or pleat. This indicates a character of divine benevolence.

Panel Member: What’s that?

Clarke: Botox, man. Botox.

If you have any doubts concerning the validity of this parody, please email Justin Hart.

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