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A Canadian Hat Trick
by Daniel Sargis
20 April 2004

In a preemptive strike based on faulty intelligence, Canada has decisively launched a war on seals to save its depleted stocks of cod.

After harping ad infinitum about America’s “unjustified” war, our compassionate Canadian neighbors have launched a little pogrom of their own.  Taking their lead from Fallujian etiquette, Canada has commenced the slaughter of a million baby harp seals over the next three years.  At least they are sparing suicide bombers and serial rapists.

Of course there are always the nitpickers who will maintain that “baby” seals aren’t slaughtered.  In an act of inspired benevolence, Canada did ban the killing of seal pups younger than twelve days.  What are they doing...checking the seal’s dog tags for a date of birth? 

In a preemptive strike based on faulty intelligence, Canada has decisively launched a war to save its depleted cod fishery, “Officially...the hunt is a response to the collapse of the Northwest Atlantic stocks of cod....”  It seems that the Canadians, with the support of government manufactured studies, have decided that harp seals are eating the cod.  Could it really take this long to figure out that seals were born to eat fish?

Although over-whelming scientific evidence blames the Canadian government for mismanaging the cod fishery and allowing massive overfishing, the official Government response has been unilateral.  Canadian Natural Resources Minister John Efford, “...argued that the seal population was exploding...and commercial fish stocks were vanishing.” 

Efford clearly outlined his strategic initiative, “I would like to see the 6 million seals, or whatever number is out there, killed and sold, or destroyed or burned. I do not care what happens to them…the more they kill the better I will love it."  In his next breath, Efford reminded the world that, “"We must remember that our ocean and all of its resources need protection....”   This guy should write speeches for John Kerry.

Ever since Canada was chosen to host the 2010 winter Olympics, the country has become a soapbox of internationalism.  Our northern neighbor is running at warp speed to the left of every issue.  In continuing efforts at continental respectability, Canadian officials are going-for-the-gold in the ever-so-genteel sport of America bashing.  Francoise Ducros, top aide to former Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien, commenced the games by calling President Bush a “moron.”  Then, MP Carolyn Parrish really scored for the home team with “Damn Americans … I hate those bastards.”  Let’s go for the hat trick.

And speaking of hat tricks...how about a bit of Canadian “Head Hockey.”  In his book, Over the Side, Michael Dwyer describes some light-hearted fun with fellow Canadian seal “hunters:” “It was like hockey but instead of using sticks, we used our hakipiks to try to shoot the [seal’s] head between two twitching carcasses we used as goal posts. We all took turns in the net. By the time the game was over, eyeballs, teeth, fragments of skull bone and lower jawbones were scattered all over the rink. Darrell won but we all had a great bit of fun.”  Who says you can’t mix business with pleasure.

From the country that accused America of going to war for oil... "A study conducted last year for the Northwest Territories seal industry found that the market for...seal oil for health products (was) reckoned to have the greatest potential.”  And don’t forget cheap Canadian pharmaceuticals...” Only one product was rated as having "excellent" economic prospects: seal penises, which are in great demand in China for use in aphrodisiacs.”  Viagra...step aside!

Former Prime Minister Jean Chretien once described what level of proof Canadians wanted from the U.S. before assisting the U.S. in a war with Iraq: “A proof is a proof. What kind of a proof? It's a proof. A proof is a proof. And when you have a good proof, it's because it's proven.”   Well, “At a meeting of the Society of Marine Mammalogists in Florida ...ninety-seven scientists from fifteen countries” concluded that, “All scientific efforts to find an effect of seal predation on Canadian groundfish stocks have failed to show any impact...Overfishing remains the only scientifically demonstrated problem.”  Despite this “proof,” the Canadian administration is obsessed with slaughtering seals.

What about the Geneva Conventions?  “The Canadian government claims the commercial seal hunt is humane and well regulated.”  But, “In 2001, an international team of five independent veterinarians...found that 79% of the sealers did not check to see if an animal was dead before skinning it...And when the veterinarians examined the skulls of killed seals, 42% were found to have minimal or no fractures, suggesting a high probability that these seals were conscious when skinned.”  When is a “proof” a “proof?"

The U.S. Marine Mammal Protection Act outlaws the importation or sale of any product made from any marine mammal, including seals, in the U.S.  Even the European Union has similar legislation.  But, for the lofty goal of profit, the Canadians just keep killing.

What’s even more laughable is the Canadian coalition of the willing.  They are barbarically slaughtering innocent baby mammals to supply already over-populated and AIDS infected regions of the globe with aphrodisiacs! 

Canadian Senator Pierre Claude Nolin maintains that the U.S. war on drugs “threaten the basis of democracy...and the rule of law....”  While Nolin demands that, “The world deserves drug policies that... are respectful of human rights,” Canadians keep pucking around with baby seal heads.

Canada is another case study in chest-pounding second rate wannabes.  A country that condemns the U.S. for ginning up pre-war Iraq intelligence, simultaneously hypes its internal fishery data in complete disregard of overwhelming independent research to the contrary.  A country that finds it stylish to bash its best friend and neighbor also finds it easy to bash a seal pub’s head.

I’m sure the world will sleep more safely with the slaughter of a million harp seals.  Bin Laden would be safer in Ottawa than a seal pup!  

Daniel Sargis, a freelance writer, is a principal in a private investment development company.  His website is dansargis.org

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