Canadian Hat Trick
20 April 2004
a preemptive strike based on faulty intelligence, Canada has decisively launched
a war on seals to save its depleted stocks of cod.
After harping ad infinitum
about America’s “unjustified” war, our compassionate Canadian neighbors have
launched a little pogrom of their own. Taking their lead from Fallujian
etiquette, Canada has commenced the slaughter of a million baby harp seals
over the next three years. At least they are sparing suicide bombers
and serial rapists.
Of course there are always the nitpickers who will maintain that “baby” seals
aren’t slaughtered. In an act of inspired benevolence, Canada did ban
the killing of seal pups younger than twelve days. What are they doing...checking
the seal’s dog tags for a date of birth?
In a preemptive strike based on faulty intelligence, Canada has decisively
launched a war to save its depleted cod fishery, “Officially...the hunt is
a response to the collapse of the Northwest Atlantic stocks of cod....”
It seems that the Canadians, with the support of government manufactured
studies, have decided that harp seals are eating the cod. Could it
really take this long to figure out that seals were born to eat fish?
Although over-whelming scientific evidence blames the Canadian government
for mismanaging the cod fishery and allowing massive overfishing, the official
Government response has been unilateral. Canadian Natural Resources
Minister John Efford, “...argued that the seal population was exploding...and
commercial fish stocks were vanishing.”
Efford clearly outlined his strategic initiative, “I would like to see the
6 million seals, or whatever number is out there, killed and sold, or destroyed
or burned. I do not care what happens to them…the more they kill the better
I will love it." In his next breath, Efford reminded the world that,
“"We must remember that our ocean and all of its resources need protection....”
This guy should write speeches for John Kerry.
Ever since Canada was chosen to host the 2010 winter Olympics, the country
has become a soapbox of internationalism. Our northern neighbor is
running at warp speed to the left of every issue. In continuing efforts
at continental respectability, Canadian officials are going-for-the-gold
in the ever-so-genteel sport of America bashing. Francoise Ducros,
top aide to former Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien, commenced the games
by calling President Bush a “moron.” Then, MP Carolyn Parrish really
scored for the home team with “Damn Americans … I hate those bastards.”
Let’s go for the hat trick.
And speaking of hat tricks...how about a bit of Canadian “Head Hockey.” In his book, Over the Side,
Michael Dwyer describes some light-hearted fun with fellow Canadian seal
“hunters:” “It was like hockey but instead of using sticks, we used our hakipiks
to try to shoot the [seal’s] head between two twitching carcasses we used
as goal posts. We all took turns in the net. By the time the game was over,
eyeballs, teeth, fragments of skull bone and lower jawbones were scattered
all over the rink. Darrell won but we all had a great bit of fun.”
Who says you can’t mix business with pleasure.
From the country that accused America of going to war for oil... "A study
conducted last year for the Northwest Territories seal industry found that
the market for...seal oil for health products (was) reckoned to have the
greatest potential.” And don’t forget cheap Canadian pharmaceuticals...”
Only one product was rated as having "excellent" economic prospects: seal
penises, which are in great demand in China for use in aphrodisiacs.”
Former Prime Minister Jean Chretien once described what level of proof Canadians
wanted from the U.S. before assisting the U.S. in a war with Iraq: “A proof
is a proof. What kind of a proof? It's a proof. A proof is a proof. And when
you have a good proof, it's because it's proven.” Well, “At a
meeting of the Society of Marine Mammalogists in Florida ...ninety-seven
scientists from fifteen countries” concluded that, “All scientific efforts
to find an effect of seal predation on Canadian groundfish stocks have failed
to show any impact...Overfishing remains the only scientifically demonstrated
problem.” Despite this “proof,” the Canadian administration is obsessed
with slaughtering seals.
What about the Geneva Conventions? “The Canadian government claims
the commercial seal hunt is humane and well regulated.” But, “In 2001,
an international team of five independent veterinarians...found that 79%
of the sealers did not check to see if an animal was dead before skinning
it...And when the veterinarians examined the skulls of killed seals, 42%
were found to have minimal or no fractures, suggesting a high probability
that these seals were conscious when skinned.” When is a “proof” a
The U.S. Marine Mammal Protection Act outlaws the importation or sale of
any product made from any marine mammal, including seals, in the U.S.
Even the European Union has similar legislation. But, for the lofty
goal of profit, the Canadians just keep killing.
What’s even more laughable is the Canadian coalition of the willing.
They are barbarically slaughtering innocent baby mammals to supply already
over-populated and AIDS infected regions of the globe with aphrodisiacs!
Canadian Senator Pierre Claude Nolin maintains that the U.S. war on drugs
“threaten the basis of democracy...and the rule of law....” While Nolin
demands that, “The world deserves drug policies that... are respectful of
human rights,” Canadians keep pucking around with baby seal heads.
Canada is another case study in chest-pounding second rate wannabes.
A country that condemns the U.S. for ginning up pre-war Iraq intelligence,
simultaneously hypes its internal fishery data in complete disregard of overwhelming
independent research to the contrary. A country that finds it stylish
to bash its best friend and neighbor also finds it easy to bash a seal pub’s
I’m sure the world will sleep more safely with the slaughter of a million
harp seals. Bin Laden would be safer in Ottawa than a seal pup!
Daniel Sargis, a freelance writer, is a principal in a private investment development company. His website is dansargis.org.
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