The other day, a friend asked me what I thought of Rush Limbaugh.  I confessed that I didn’t listen to his show.  My friend was shocked.  In his eyes, it was as if I’d committed a cardinal sin.  After all, I’m a Conservative and Mr. Limbaugh is a Conservative.  So how could it be that I wasn’t a Ditto Head?

Well, for one thing, I only listen to the radio when I’m driving -- and as I’m not a traveling salesman or a cross-country trucker -- I don’t hear hours and hours of talk radio. 

For another thing, some years ago I tuned in Rush a couple of times and, quite frankly, I didn’t find him all that captivating.  He employed an awful lot of sound effects that I’m guessing were supposed to be amusing, but which I only found annoying.  He came across like a man without a sense of humor trying desperately to be funny.  It was, for me, the audio version of the loud guy at the party who puts on a lampshade.  Although I’ve never encountered such a fellow, I’ve always pictured him looking and sounding a lot like Rush.

This is not to suggest that I don’t listen to a fair amount of political talk radio or tune in their TV counterparts.  For my money, the four best I’ve come across on radio are Michael Medved, Al Rantel, Ronn Owens and Dennis Prager.

On TV, I think the top ones are Sean Hannity, Joe Scarborough and, sometimes, Bill O’Reilly.  My problem with O’Reilly, aside from the fact that he never uses any of my letters, no matter how pithy, is that his ego occasionally trumps his principles.  For instance, as Joseph Farah recently pointed out, O’Reilly started out defending Ward Churchill, arguing that, as vile as the man is, he shouldn’t be fired by the University of Colorado.  But, within a couple of weeks, O’Reilly totally reversed himself, demanding Churchill’s head on a pike for apparently no other reason than that he refused to appear on O’Reilly’s show.  In the end, he was right, of course, but for the wrong reason.

One thing that strikes me about the talk show hosts is how many of the guys at the mike are named Mike.  Besides Medved, we’ve got Michael Reagan, Mike Gallagher, and Michael Savage.  I suppose if your name happens to be Mike Michaels, you should definitely consider a career behind the mike.

Speaking of Medved, the reason I’m such a fan of his is that he so loves to debate the opposition that he rarely invites a guest on with whom he agrees.  In addition, Medved devotes one day a week to just those callers who wish to take him to task for things he’s said on earlier programs.  There’s no better place to hear both sides of all issues.  Plus, being a movie reviewer and culture critic, he isn’t totally locked in to the day’s headlines.

My only problem with Hannity, aside from being forced to look at and listen to his liberal straight man, Alan Colmes, is that he has a tendency to take forever stating his own opinion before finally getting around to asking his guest: “Don’t you agree?” 

It so happens that I usually do agree with him, being politically like-minded, but I find it a rather odd way to conduct a dialogue.  One suspects his idea of Nirvana would be an hour spent interviewing himself.

What makes San Francisco’s Ronn Owens and L.A.’s Al Rantel so good, aside from the fact they each had me on as a guest, is that both have a very relaxed, very natural, approach to what they do.  Whether you’re a guest or a listener, it’s like being in their living room.  Also, unlike most of their colleagues, they are genuinely witty.

Speaking of being genuinely witty, that’s exactly what Dennis Prager is not.  He believes he is, and has said as much more than once on his own show.  Which makes him slightly wacky, I suppose, but not really funny.  He is, in spite of all that, an excellent host.  He’s extremely intelligent -- although a bit pompous -- unfailingly polite to even the dumbest of his callers, and he covers a wide spectrum of fascinating topics 15 hours a week.

He does raise one question, though: Is there a point when a radio personality risks his credibility by hustling everything under the sun?  A couple of weeks ago, I began keeping track of the products and services Prager personally pitches -- and, at last count, the score was a baker’s dozen.  The man shills for everything from cameras to cars, clothes to cruises.  One day, he had just finished telling his audience that the tree-huggers were, as usual, exaggerating the dangers of water pollution when a certain commercial came on.  You guessed it -- there was old Dennis telling us about this expensive water system he’d installed in his own home.  It seems he was concerned not just about the water his family drank, but even the water in which they showered and washed their clothes!

The one non-political talk show host I listen to is Dr. Laura Schlessinger.  If, like me, you share her intolerance of crybabies and morons, her approach is delightful and insightful.  Although she might remind some people of Charlie Brown’s nemesis, Lucy, such people should be reminded that Charlie is a tongue-tied chowderhead.  I mean, how many times does Lucy have to pull away that damn football before he learns one of life’s more important lessons?  Namely, that if you keep falling on your ass, maybe you’re not cut out to be a place-kicker.  Dr. Laura has a BS detector second to none and, to her credit, she spares nobody.  If you’ve never tuned in, a typical exchange goes something like this:

Caller: My 96 year old mother doesn’t like me.

Dr. Laura: How long have you known she doesn’t like you? 

Caller: About 74 years.

Dr. Laura: Get over it!  Next.

Finally we come to the peripatetic Ann Coulter.  There are many people who actually believe she has her own talk show, either on radio or TV or, perhaps, both.  She doesn’t, but it’s a natural mistake because she’s on other people’s shows so constantly.  I confess that when she’s on one-to-one, as with Al Rantel, she’s okay.  The trouble is that they usually have her on with a liberal, so that she can debate the enemy.  Unfortunately, her style of debate is to talk non-stop, never pausing to take a breath, lest her opponent get a word in edgewise.  Think of her as a skinny, blonde pit bull with a voice box and an agenda.

To be fair, there is a gentler side to Coulter.  In fact if you’ve ever caught her act on Hannity and Colmes, you’ve witnessed the embarrassing spectacle of Ann’s making goo-goo eyes at Sean, looking as if she’s hoping he’ll invite her to the senior prom. Most of my fellow Conservatives can’t believe it when I say that in my opinion, Ms. Coulter is the single most annoying person on TV.  And, yes, I am including Leslie Stahl, Ed Bradley, Eleanor Clift and Andy Rooney.  In fact, I suspect Ms. Coulter would have her own TV talk show if only they could figure out a way for her to rudely interrupt herself and shout herself down!

Burt Prelutsky has written for Dragnet, McMillan & Wife, MASH, Mary Tyler Moore, Rhoda, Bob Newhart, Family Ties, Dr. Quinn, and Diagnosis Murder.  He wrote a humor column for the Los Angeles Times and was the movie critic for Los Angeles magazine.  His most recent book is Conservatives Are From Mars, Liberals Are From San Francisco (A Hollywood Rightwinger Comes Out of the Closet).

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