Sex, God, Relationships in the modern era: An Interview with Denise Mcallister

Sex, God, and Relationships: An Interview with Denise McCallister


Sex. The very word allows no connotation for the very essence of feeling, or love, or mutual respect for one another. Sex is what can be beautiful or damning, but continuing shame is the way society works. When we call someone a “thot” or “hoe” we are demeaning someone’s sexuality. While sexuality by itself, is isolating to the stance of how one can invigorate a debate between God’s love or the reality that without God one cannot experience love in the same way. The complete promise of God between all acts of Art, Religion, or Marriage is how life interacts with the common ordinary man. If a man loves a woman, they want to impress them, and be masculine. But today, in a world of Soyboys and genteel euthanized version of men, is what makes society question the fabric of masculinity.

The imperious structure of society is built on the way a man must enter the world. He must hunt, gather, teach, pontificate his stance on the world. Exercise and endorphins are the way men should prepare for fights, either verbal or physical, which will test a man’s character of how he must face his duties. Whether it’s going to a board meeting and leading the charge with coffee and pre-meeting cigarette, masculinity is what compliments the sacred feminine. Men must know how to face the world through anger and change their landscape through brutal conversations and however one might ask a man today, “What must he do to survive,” it’s not the same.

The men of my grandfather’s age, being from Pittsburgh, Aliquippa, they all have a strong work ethic. My father is the same. But in certain application, before the arrival of the Internet age, men of a certain demo had to enter into a world that was highly industrial, motivated by their pay checks and family concern, but the Gen Xer’s went into jobs that didn’t require that motivation to stand and slice steel every day in factory jobs. But today, men and all their qualities seem to be lacking to be the strong figure of the family unit.

As a man of arts and letters, the work of an eccentric provocateur works in the way others do not seem to live by. Many eccentrics boast and they are not humble, but men have a very different relationship to pride than women do. The difference between men and women is something that really is not that hard to analyze, while not looking over the complexities both men and women face. Women were made to be gentle, kind, loving, nurturing, and unique from men. However, the conversations lie between men and women, many would argue that feminism is the way most women should live. Like all fallacies, women of a third-generation feminist have either become grandmother’s with cats or they are called “thots” who are downed for embracing sexuality. Which in some way, some women should not be with men or women? We all know the cat lady’s in our lives. Some women do not fit this description at all, while many do. The complication of having to explain this rather opines for a middle ground. The sense that both men and women are fighting more often, not understanding one another.

The common misconception is that in the trail between men and women are never fully equal, which they are not. The attitude that this is “sexist” or “misogynistic” is the reason why many writer’s fail to write great works of literature or films that dare to say something unique. The essence of men and women is that two differences make up a whole, yin and yang, the feminine wife compliments the masculine side she is attracted to in her spouse. Over the continued course of history, in these troubled times, men and women are not the same, and the variation of men’s and women’s belief often collide in love and marriage.

But whether you are one side of the aisle or not, Denise Mcallister has her beliefs that often more or not make people question her very sanity. But as complex as God’s immortal love is Denise’s priority in life to remain herself. With her provocative tweets about love, God, sex, marriage, Denise is a complex figure that is bound to make you mad, but if she doesn’t, she’s probably just entertaining the masses. Denise Mcallister has a book called “What Men Want To Say To Women (but can’t)” coming out on February 11, 2020, and is available to preorder on Amazon right now.


Louis Bruno: So, Denise, how did you become the successful person you are now, and what’s your origin story?


Denise Mcallister: I was raised by a Marine father who taught me to work hard, push through pain, and never give up. Those qualities have sustained me through many rough patches in my life and have propelled me to be successful in all I do. I earned a degree in journalism at UNC Chapel Hill and always knew I wanted to be a writer, so I never gave up on that goal. Later, after studying theology, philosophy, and history in seminary, I fell in love with cultural commentary. I enjoy merging my journalism experience with my theological studies, cultural observations, and personal experiences. Telling stories that make people think and feel empathy is a passion of mine and marks my writing style. I searched for ways to be able to become that writer, and through hard work, I did just that.


LB: I know your book is about relationships, and what’s your view of marriage and how should modern couples treat each other today, even with the wealth of technology they have to preoccupy themselves? Should there be a day without technology where two people can be with each other?


DM: The purpose of any relationship is love. It’s as simple and complex as that. This is especially true of marriages in which a man and woman commit to each other and become one—body and soul. We don’t value that oneness as we should in our individualistic society, yet we all long for the completion that comes from that intimacy and unity. We also don’t understand love. We’ve romanticized it into oblivion. It’s all about feelings and less about effort and action. It’s a soft love instead of the hard love that is real and lasting. Soft love melts at the first sign of struggle. Hard love overcomes. Marriages need more hard love. Too often, Hollywood dictates the definition of love instead of God. John Paul once said that the opposite of love isn’t hatred but when you use another person as a means to an end. He’s right, and we have too many people using others as a means to an end–money, security, sex, status, etc.–instead of loving another as the goal. Technology is disruptive to intimacy, and I would advocate minimizing it whenever you can. When my husband and I go on dates, we both put away our phones and focus totally on each other. It makes me sad to see couples out at dinner and they’re both, or one of them, is constantly looking at their phones.


LB: Can two people really be alone today or can marriage really help create lasting friendships, since women do want to marry their “best friend” and how do people really keep a marriage together in an age of instant gratification?


DM: We hear a lot about spouses being best friends, and in a way that’s good. But, I think it’s important to look at your spouse as more than your best friend. The relationship you have with your spouse is unique, unlike any other relationship. It’s beyond friendship. It’s erotic, sensual, and passionate. I think too many marriages get lulled into complacency and boredom because the couple stops seeing each other as exciting and alluring. Familiarity dulls excitement, and we have to work at maintaining it. This isn’t to say you’ll be hanging from chandeliers all the time, but passion needs to be fueled over time. Men get lazy, and women get self-absorbed. If you had a lot of sex partners before marriage, or if you were caught up in a whirlwind sexual relationship before marriage, you developed a pattern for yourself of titillation and gratification, as well as novelty. In marriage, that fades. It’s the nature of it. But it doesn’t have to be the death of marriage as long as we don’t stop seeing our spouse as the erotic lover in our lives and not just our best friend or the other body in the house that takes out the garbage and forgets to flush the toilet. That means date nights, sex even when you don’t feel like it, weekend getaways, flirting on text throughout the day. Don’t let the “dating” mentality completely disappear.


LB: Is marriage a natural course of human evolution or have millennials met a dead end with technology becoming integral over having normal human relationships?


DM: Marriage is the natural course of human design, I believe. Even with all the technological “replacements” people long to be one with another person–in the flesh. We were made not to be alone, and integral to not being alone is joining with another person in marriage. This doesn’t mean everyone needs to get married. Some people aren’t individually called to that kind of relationship. Singleness is satisfactory to them. But that isn’t the norm for most people. Most people want sex, intimacy, companionship, and a life-long partner. Their frustration is finding the right one and getting lost in all the sex and dating that delays committed relationships.


LB: Do you think women or men are more to blame when it comes to matters in a relationship, and is there blame on both sides?


DM: There is blame on both sides. Men have their issues, and women have theirs. I think our society, however, with its emphasis on feminism has put too much blame on men, acting as if women can do no wrong. This needs to be challenged because it has damaged relationships between men and women.


LB: Is God important to the entire process of finding your soulmate and can kids help two people grow stronger in their goals of staying married? Or should some people definitely be couples and not have kids?


DM: I think faith in God is key to a solid marriage because he is the tie that binds two people together. With God, both have an authority to look at outside of themselves to determine how they should live as individuals and as a couple. This fosters peace. Whereas, without God, or without any objective authority regarding values, each individual makes their own desires, their own will, the source of what should be done. The man becomes the source of authority in the marriage or the woman does. This means the will of the other must bow to the subjective desires and expectations of the one in control. This causes conflict. It’s best when two people of the same faith can look to a common authority outside of themselves to remind them of who they are, what they’re called to do (love each other), and how they’re to live. They’ll still have conflicts, but it won’t be one person lording over the other through subjective tyranny. As for children, they can be a wonderful bonding agent in marriage, but they can’t be the foundation. That’s not fair to children. The marriage has to be built on solid ground, so the parents can enjoy the children and not become enmeshed with them or dependent on them to hold the marriage together. Some couples decide not to have children, and this is their personal choice—one they’re free to make as they determine how they want to live and what they want to do together as a couple.


LB: As a believer in God, do you think the Church has downplayed marriage in recent years due to the rising normalization of homosexuality in society, or have they pushed for it more? Or am I just hallucinating?


DM: The church has increasingly downplayed marriage by embracing divorce for any reason and now with the normalization of homosexuality. The church should be on the front lines of fighting the culture war, and holding onto the sanctity of marriage should be a big part of that. The church, however, is failing. It has forgotten that marriage is a sacred covenant before God between and man and woman, and that it is not easily broken. It certainly shouldn’t be redefined by the state to accommodate homosexual relationships.


LB: Is going to church a unifying aspect for married couples?


DM: Yes–the right church in which both individuals are fed spiritually and they are encouraged as a couple. They need this for the reasons I stated above about the importance of God in marriage. They also need a strong church community to develop love, service, and mutual encouragement with other believers. People are too isolated today, and isolation breeds pathologies like depression and even narcissism. Community needs to be fostered, and a good church is a great place to experience that community.


LB: In your career, do you believe being provocative helps keep the conversation of marriage, God, and humor a relevant topic today when it should feel commonplace?


DM: I think it’s almost necessary to be provocative in today’s society in order to be heard. I don’t particularly like this trend, but it’s real nonetheless. There is a lot of noise out there, and you have to almost yell to be heard. Those who can do it thoughtfully and intelligently about important issues like marriage, God, sex, and sexuality—and to do it with humor—are valuable assets in the culture war.


LB: What’s some advice you could give to women who need a strong man? Are millennial women “not getting the memo” of how to keep a man interested in them?


DM: If a woman wants a strong man, then she needs to learn to appreciate strong men and also respect herself as a valuable woman who deserves respect. I see a lot of women today dominating men, and men cowering. And then I see those same women complain that they don’t have strong men in their lives. If they want strong men, they’re going to have to humble themselves to be able to handle that strength instead of preferring some lapdog who says yes to whatever they want but then becomes boring after a while. As for keeping men interested in them, women need to not cheapen themselves by giving so much away so quickly. I advocate getting married instead of going on a long-term dating spree filled with one sexual exploit after another. If you’re easy, men will lose interest because there’s someone new right around the corner. Don’t make it easy. Stay interesting. Broaden your own interests and intellect so you can have interesting conversations with a man. If he can’t handle the depth, you don’t want him anyway.


LB: What is your best way to deal with haters? Full-on knives out or blocking them before a conversation starts? Does this mean Republicans facing the brunt of the harassment today compared to liberal accounts online?


DM: I deal with haters by either doubling down and throwing their foolishness and insanity back in their face, or I just block them because they’re not worth my time. I think it’s important to engage to some degree because you need to expose these people for the crazies they are and dismantle their ideologies. Republicans get a lot of hate online because the Left feels very free to threaten and abuse with impunity. It’s just the way it is on social media today. It’s not fair, but life’s not fair. Instead of whining about it, I just roll with it. Fight it. Encourage those who stand with me in the fight, and laugh once in a while.


LB: When has being a provocateur ever felt like a job with no real benefits, or is the mere act of being provocative stimulate the need to be smarter and funnier when debating the opposition?


DM: Being an effective provocateur means you have to be smart. Saying outlandish things can be done by any numbskull. It takes talent and brains to provoke thought and reaction in a way that proves a point and drives people toward a certain rational conclusion. You’re setting up a trap and you[‘re] herding the beasts into the pen to try to get them to calm down and understand the ultimate point you’re making. Being smart is integral to this, and being funny keeps you engaging. It’s not humor all the time (I’m no comedian), but you need to add some humor–often off-color–to keep it light and the opposition off balance. If you’re all hot and bothered all the time, you get defensive and then you look pathetic. Instead, stay strong, know your presuppositions and the conclusions you want others to make, speak truth, be provocative, and laugh.


LB: What do you feel is the problem with liberals today, and why are they so unhappy in relationships?


DM: Liberalism is subjectivism, and it is the root of much misery. By subjectivism, I mean that liberals have rejected objective truth, values, and morality. When you reject objective reality and the meta-narrative of history that goes with it, you reduce reality and existence to the smallest form–the individual alone. The subject becomes the source of truth, morals, and reality. When you are your own truth, then you alone are in that truth. Without objective values, there is nothing to tie you to other people. Life becomes you living as you want, and others doing the same. That works if you are in isolation, but we’re not, and we’re not made to live in isolation. We live in society, in community, with other people. In a community, we need objective ties that bind. Otherwise, it’s just one person’s “truth” warring against another’s. The more powerful someone is, the more effective they are at imposing their subjective will and truth onto others. And this is what we have today. One individual or group imposing their own feelings, pathologies, and ideologies onto others and forcing them to comply. If they don’t, then they’re demonized, delegitimized, and even threatened. This leads to anger and hostility. Liberals are angry because life is about imposing their will onto others, but others are pushing back. It’s constant conflict, which damages relationships. Liberalism breeds narcissism because it sets the individual up as the definer of truth—truth they think others should accept.


LB: What have you found is wrong with society, and what would you do to fix it if you had three wishes granted?


DM: Subjectivism–I wish that a humble acceptance of objective truth would return to the American consciousness and belief system.

Materialism–I wish people would see that there is more to life and existence than the material world. We are spiritual, and this opens up a whole realm of possibilities.

Atheism–I wish there would be a spiritual awakening and renewed faith in God, so people will understand their identity and how to love others. We are facing an identity crisis in America today and one of the root causes is a rejection of God. We know ourselves best when we know him and how he designed us and for what purpose. By abandoning God, we abandon a core sense of who we are.


LB: Is being successful the best type of happiness?


DM: No, being true to God’s purposes in life, knowing who you are, being loved for who you are, and loving others is the best type of happiness.


LB: Do you believe the general meltdown of the public today is one sided and can people find peace through God, or being more open minded, and not taking things so seriously?


DM: No, failing to be open-minded in general isn’t the problem, and we need to take issues very seriously. The problem is we are close-minded to objective truth, to life as it should be not life as we imagine it to be, and we’re not taking these deep-seated fundamentals seriously. Instead, we’re taking seriously things that don’t matter, or we’re taking seriously lies and propaganda to the point that everything is an offense. We will find that if we return to a right understanding of truth, then we will not be so personally offended all the time. We won’t be because our identity won’t be rooted in our subjective “faux truth” but in truth that is greater than each of us.


LB: Is humor essential to your creativity?


DM: Yes, but so is my empathy.


LB: Do you find that humor can open up more conversations about taboo subjects than lectures could?


DM: Absolutely.


LB: Who are your favorite authors to read when you are stumped when writing?


DM: I always read C.S. Lewis or Fulton Sheen if I’m stumped in my writing about ideas. If I just need to get the flow going, I read James Joyce.


LB: What’s your favorite joke of all time?


DM: Pull my finger.


LB: Have you ever wanted to write a pulp novel in your life?


DM: No, not unless it involves fairies.


LB: Has journalism fallen by the wayside, and who else do you think is a good journalist that you would recommend today to read?


DM: I think journalism has become more like it was when America was first founded–a partisan press that has its political loyalties. The problem is today journalists pretend they’re objective when they’re not. They should be honest about where they’re coming from. A lot of the “fake news” we hear about is just propaganda masquerading as news. This is a problem, but thankfully, we have a great deal of access to the facts, so if people want to put forth the effort, they can discover the truth instead of relying on a few outlets. I don’t really have any favorite journalists. I just scan them all and try to discern truth.



LB: So, at the end of the interview, I ask my subjects three things: What’s your favorite movie that people might not expect you to like? Where and when was the best barbecue you have ever had in your life? What’s your favorite literary or comic book character of all time?


DM: John Wick

Mac’s Speed Shop in Charlotte, NC

All the hobbits in Lord of the Rings



You can find Denise McCalister’s book “What Men want to say to Women (but can’t)” on Amazon through this link:





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